


If I Were You,

by castironbaku



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Memory Loss, Shironeki occasionally resurfaces, Time Loop, Time Travel Fix-It, but for the most part it's Kuroneki behind the wheel, but nothing is actually fixed, ghoul!Hide, things might even become worse, yes it's another one of those switcheroo fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-05 19:19:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4191831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castironbaku/pseuds/castironbaku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was dead. Or so he thought. Kaneki blinks awake in the middle of a very familiar conversation in the middle of a very familiar café. Something seems off, but he can’t tell what. That changes when his best friend lands in the hospital after a bad accident at a local construction site. Something is wrong. Very wrong, indeed.</p><p> </p><p>[ABANDONED due to unforeseen plot twists in canon that inadvertently cancelled out the future plot of this fic......]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Wouldn't Go On That Date

**Author's Note:**

> So it isn’t the first time-travel/what-if-it-were-Hide-not-Kaneki fic, but I can’t help it. I really can’t.  
> This story feels like it’ll go into long-form territory in 0.003 seconds flat, so uh, get ready?  
> Partially inspired by that other awesome story, Fateswap by that awesome writer, sempre_balla. Check it out if you haven't yet!
> 
> Will update semi-slowly, bc my other fic, TWIAO, takes precedence.

The last thing Kaneki remembered was getting skewered by Death and tumbling into the comforting arms of unconsciousness. He didn’t even remember all the pain he must have felt. The trauma was probably out of this world. He welcomed his end with a grim sort of resignation. It’s not like it was anything he hadn’t signed up for, ever since he had accepted the part of himself that wasn’t exactly human.

 

He went on a nonstop free fall in slow motion. Actually, he had no idea if he was really falling or not. Everything was pitch black. Nothing told him where up or down was. Was he rising or falling? Was he moving at all? Maybe he was just suspended in time or that gap between life and what lay thereafter. His body was probably hanging on much longer than it was supposed to. That pissed him off.

 

 _If you’re down_ , he thought angrily, _stay down!_ Damn regeneration abilities…

 

There was a pinprick of light in front of him. How long had it been there? He drifted toward it, curious. Was this a peephole into Heaven? Or was it the end of a long tunnel leading to Heaven? Then he caught himself. Heaven? Seriously? Did he honestly think he was worth that? He shook his head, sniggering. Getting stabbed repeatedly in the head had done some serious damage, it seemed.

 

He floated toward the little dot of light and had his second suspicion confirmed. It was a faraway thing, growing larger and larger as he willed himself forward (was he moving forward, up or down?). Then just when it was about the size of the window he always used to stare out of in Asian History class, it exploded, searing Kaneki’s eyes with utter white. His arms flew up to shield his face from the blinding light, but it was everywhere and it seemed like it was alive. Warm and breathing. Beating in time with his heartbeat.

 

It wrapped itself around him and no matter how much he tried to un-see it, the light remained painfully burned into his mind.

 

If this was the afterlife, he thought it would be better to stick to the darkness of limbo instead.

 

* * *

  

Kaneki blinked awake just as Hide took a hearty bite out of a sandwich and gulped down his tea. Apparently, the bleached blond had said something, because he was eyeing Kaneki expectantly, waiting for some sort of response.

 

“I, uh… what?” Kaneki stammered.

 

Hide’s jaw dropped and he stared at his friend like he’d grown a few extra heads. “Are you serious, Kaneki? Yo, it’s way past lunchtime to be spacing out on me now.”

 

Scratching his nose sheepishly, Kaneki offered Hide a weak smile. “I’m sorry, I was really out of it for a second there,” he said. “You were saying?”

 

“I was _saying_ ,” Hide leaned forward with a conspiratorial smile, “that there’s this really hot chick who goes here. I was thinking of asking her out one of these days.”

 

“Define ‘hot,’ please. The last time you called a girl ‘hot,’ she was a scrawny thing with barely anything on her.”

 

“Hey,” Hide pouted, “don’t make fun of Naru-chan! And that was back in _middle school_. Don’t bring up ancient history, Kaneki, you’re horrible at that anyway.”

 

“Well, I’m _sorry_ for not being historian material,” Kaneki interjected, unable to suppress the smile tugging at his lips. “Very well. Humor me. Tell me more about your oh-so beautiful lady this time.”

 

“You’re acting awfully high-and-mighty right now, Kaneki,” Hide said, pursing his lips. “Maybe I won’t tell you, after all. She ain’t worth your halfhearted attention.”

 

“Alright, alright. Tell me about the hot girl, pretty please?”

 

“With a cherry on top?”

 

“With a dozen cherries on top.”

 

“Thank you for a hearty meal, sweetheart,” Hide said, grinning. “Okay, so apparently, her name is Rize Kamishiro—”

 

The name hit Kaneki like a ton of bricks. _Rize Kamishiro_. Who was that? Why did that name strike so many different chords within him? It was a weird feeling. He was sure he’d never heard that name before, and yet it smacked into his brain with a million invisible strings attached to it that he could sense were _right there_ but he couldn’t do much more than know that they were there and led off… somewhere.

 

“Kaneki?” Hide scowled. “Earth to Kaneki? You’ve been spacing out the whole time we’ve been here. Are you sure there isn’t something you’re not telling me?”

 

There it was again. The Hide X-Ray Vision look. It was probing Kaneki’s eyes, his face, his body, for answers in even the slightest movement. Kaneki knew how useful that look was and he knew for sure that it had saved him more times than he could count, all the way since they were kids. But that didn’t stop him from hating it sometimes. He had things he wanted to keep to himself, after all, that Hide didn’t need to know about.

 

“I’m fine,” Kaneki assured him. “Her name is Rize Kamishiro and?”

 

Hide obviously disliked how Kaneki had skirted around his question with another question, but he didn’t pursue the topic of Kaneki’s excessive spacing out any further. He threw himself into describing Rize Kamishiro in a trice. “She’s got this long, gorgeous purple hair, okay,” he said, wringing his hands and looking like Rize Kamishiro’s long, gorgeous purple hair was beyond human comprehension. “Smooth white skin, killer smile. Rockin’ bod, too. If an hourglass turned into a woman, she’d be it.”

 

That didn’t sit very well with Kaneki, but he managed to convince himself that he was being silly. Hide was entitled to like any girl that he wanted to and he was a good guy. Any girl would be lucky to have him. _Why do I sound like_ I _want to be that girl?_ Kaneki thought in horror. He wiped his mind clean of those thoughts. That was a close one.

 

“Kaneki, I’m half-convinced she’s a goddess that fell to Earth because the rest of Takamagahara couldn’t handle how dazzlingly beautiful she is.” Hide seemed perfectly serious about this, so Kaneki couldn’t help but play along.

 

“If she really were a goddess, she wouldn’t look twice at a lowly mortal,” he pointed out.

 

“But I’m not a lowly mortal!” Hide proclaimed, puffing his chest out and pounding it twice with a fist. “I am Hideyoshi Nagachika! The most mighty human around!”

 

“Mightiest,” Kaneki corrected him, swallowing his laughter.

 

Hide took it in stride. “The mightiest human around,” he amended. “Therefore, she won’t be able to help looking at me twice, thrice, a million, gajillion times, until I’ve got her right where I want her.” He looked at Kaneki, daring him to take him down.

 

“Well,” Kaneki said, spreading his hands on the table, “I think your determination is laudable, but—”

 

“Wait, shh, Kaneki, _shh!_ ” Hide’s hand shot forward and clapped onto Kaneki’s mouth, cutting him off. “She’s here, she’s here!” He glanced to the side and Kaneki followed the direction of his glance. He heard the café entrance open behind him with the sound of a bell tinkling softly.

 

The woman named Rize Kamishiro walked past them from behind Kaneki and he had to admit, he was impressed with Hide this time. Rize really _was_ beautiful. From behind. He waited until she settled on a seat a few tables away from them, diagonally to his left. When she turned around, her eyes met Kaneki’s over the rim of her glasses and he felt a hot pain stab into his side, running up and down the length of his body in undulating waves. He clutched his side, cursing. What the hell was going on?

 

Hide practically jumped on him. “Kaneki! You okay? What’s wrong with your stomach? LBM? Appendicitis? Do you need CPR,” he said flatly, his eyes gravely wide and trained on Kaneki’s.

 

“I’m fine,” Kaneki said again, his voice hoarse this time and it may or may not have been because of the idea of Hide giving him CPR. The pain subsided. He glanced up and met Rize’s gaze again. She smiled at him. The sight of it filled him with a sense of dread he couldn’t understand. He glanced back down at his unfinished cup of coffee, feeling sick to his stomach. “I think… I think I’m going to go home for today.” He got on his feet, stumbling slightly.

 

“I’ll take you home,” Hide said promptly, standing up to steady Kaneki. “I gotcha, buddy. Don’t worry, I gotcha.”

 

After they’d paid for their coffee and Hide’s sandwich, they exited out into the 4PM sun and made their way to Kaneki’s house. Along the way, Hide made small talk, trying to make him feel better, but his mind was swirling with confusion. Why had he felt that pain in his side when he’d met Rize Kamishiro’s eyes? Why had the sight of her smile filled him with fear? In the first place, why did he even feel like he knew her, when he knew with absolute certainty that he’d never so much as heard her name mentioned in any conversation, even in passing?

 

None of it made any sense. He was probably just exhausted from staying up the whole of last night trying to make sense of his term paper. His mind was just going crazy with fatigue. Hide dropped him off at his apartment and, even though he insisted on coming in to help Kaneki lie down, Kaneki sent him away, wanting to be alone to sort out his thoughts and perhaps, catch a few winks of sleep.

 

He unlocked his apartment and entered, toeing off his shoes near the door. He headed straight for his room and collapsed face-first into his messy bed. The smell of his own bed was doing funny things to his head. It was making him emotional. Why was it making him emotional? He curled up into a ball, wondering what in the hell was wrong with him. He was crying because of his own bed. His mind was still muddled up when he fell asleep, thinking he’d gone off the deep end just because of a stupid term paper.

 

 

He woke with a start, gasping for air and sweating. His hand was reaching out to some unseen thing in front of him. Lowering his hand, he caught his breath and sat up. He pressed a hand to his chest and felt his racing heartbeat. What had he been dreaming about?

 

Rize Kamishiro. She’d been there. She’d been smiling and… What had she done next? The dream was fading faster than he could remember. What had she been doing? She’d reached out to him, her lips moving silently, forming words he couldn’t hear. He couldn’t remember much more than that. Sighing, he brushed off the dream as another side-effect of his exhaustion.

 

He probably should text Hide and tell him he was all right. The bleached blond would likely worry himself in circles. Kaneki smiled at the thought and reached into his pocket for his phone. There were already a couple of messages from Hide.

 

_Yo, ‘Neki! Hope you’re doing ok! Don’t die on me; I still need your History notes, no matter how crappy you are at History._

 

Kaneki snorted indignantly. Hide could get his notes somewhere else if he kept talking trash about Kaneki’s History skills. He moved on to the next, much longer message.

_Guess who I saw in the bookstore just now~_

_Yep it was Lady Goddess herself! We were buying the exact same book—the Takamatsu one you said you wanted. I was getting it to cheer you up and BOOM, there she was, reaching for the exact same copy! We’re at a resto, having some dinner, and she just went to the toilet for a sec. We’re on an actual date! Can you believe it? And you doubted me, too. >:(_

_Whoop, here she comes. See ya tomorrow, ‘Neki! You better be ok by then!_

 

Hide had sent the message at 10:45. It was already well past three in the morning. Kaneki wondered how their date went. Had Hide screwed up at some point and told some weird joke Rize Kamishiro didn’t understand? Or had he been a smooth operator, pushing all the right buttons to get on her good side? Somehow, it didn’t really make Kaneki as happy for his friend as he should have been.

 

Kaneki typed a quick _I’m-okay-don’t-worry-have-fun-it’s-_ Takatsuki _-by-the-way_ kind of message and sent it off before heading into his bathroom for a shower. It was tough, but he tried not to think about where Hide was tonight, and if Rize Kamishiro was wrapped up in his arms too.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Hide didn’t show up for class. He didn’t show up the next day either. Or the day after that. Or the day after _that_. Or for the rest of the week.

 

Kaneki found himself pacing his room, glancing at his phone every five seconds, waiting for a text or a call. He got nothing. He hadn’t gotten anything from Hide since his message about going on a date with Rize Kamishiro. Kaneki had authored at least a hundred twenty three unsent messages (not that he was counting or anything) since yesterday, asking Hide where he was and if he was okay and _would Hide please answer goddammit_.

 

He remembered what the news had to say about the recent Ghoul attacks. It didn’t make him feel any better. At last, when he couldn’t take it anymore, he grabbed the nearest sweater he could find and, throwing it on, he jumped into his shoes and burst out of his apartment. _The police_ , he thought frantically, tripping over his own feet as he scrambled for the stairs. _I have to go to the police_. They would know. Or at least, they’d be able to help him. Some part of him whispered for him to go to the CCG station instead of the local police, but he pushed it down. Hide was _not_ a Ghoul victim. He couldn’t be one.

 

Kaneki’s feet carried him into the night, his thoughts in an indecipherable blur that only culminated into one decipherable thing: _Hide._ What would he do if Hide were hurt? What would he do if a Ghoul really did attack Hide? Hide was all he had left now, since his mother was long gone and his father, well, he never even really knew his father.

 

When he saw the police box, his heart wanted to explode and sink into a bottomless pit at the same time. His legs were killing him and his lungs were going to burst, but he soldiered onward. He entered the police station, breathing hard and glancing around like a starving animal looking for food. No, wait, that wasn’t right. He was just looking for help, was all.

 

“Do you need help, sir?” A young-looking cop was passing him by with a frown on his face.

 

“Hide… is…” Kaneki said between his panting breaths.

 

“Who?”

 

“Hide,” he repeated, bending and placing both hands against his knees. “Hideyoshi Nagachika. My friend. He’s… He’s been missing for a week. I… Would you happen to know…?”

 

The cop crossed his arms across his chest. “A missing person? The CCG might know—”

 

Kaneki wasn’t sure what had possessed him to do it, but he grabbed the cop by the collar, his vision going red. “Hide _wasn’t_ eaten by a Ghoul,” he growled. It was a tone he’d never heard come from his own mouth before. Low. Cold. Apathetic. “Imply that he’s gone, and I’ll make sure your tongue will never be able to imply anything ever again.”

 

A pair of heavyset hands pulled Kaneki back by his shoulders. “Okay, kid, calm down for a minute,” said the second cop. “C’mon, Tsugi, cut the guy some slack. Pull up the missing persons’ reports for the past two weeks. Maybe we’ll find something out.”

 

When the cop put him down, Kaneki felt completely calm. He didn’t know, didn’t understand what had just come over him, but it was gone now and the first cop had stumbled back, away from him. “Y-Yes, sir,” he stammered before running off and disappearing behind a door.

 

“Now,” the second cop said lightly, “let’s have some tea while we wait… Er, what’s your name, son?”

 

Kaneki didn’t answer. He was looking down at his hands with a morbid sort of fascination and fear. He knew, without a doubt, that he had had every intention of throttling that cop to death just now. Acknowledging his newfound bloodlust didn’t make it any better. It only made him even more afraid of what he would find out next.

 

* * *

 

 

The 20th Ward General Hospital. That was where Hide was.

 

Victim of a pretty bad accident at a construction site, he’d needed an organ transplant and because there was no one else who could do it in such short notice, what with Hide’s family living outside of Tokyo, they’d used the organs of the only other person who had been there with him at the time of the accident. A young woman. Kaneki felt that it went beyond saying who that young woman was. With a determined nod, he headed into the white building looming over him threateningly.

 

The nurse at reception seemed a little wary about letting him in to see a patient who had just gone through a traumatic experience, but that cold, apathetic voice he’d used on the cop the other night seemed to prove effective against her. It’s not as if he used it on purpose. Some things… Some things just set it off. Some things being purely Hide-specific, it seemed.

 

The same nurse led him into a room full of empty beds. At the very end of the room, by the windows, the curtains around the last bed were drawn, providing privacy for the lone patient. Kaneki gulped, wondering what he would see, hoping it wouldn’t be as bad as he thought it would be.

 

It wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be.

 

Hide was awake, lying against his pillow and staring out the window, when Kaneki drew the curtains back. There were a few bandages wrapped around his head and some on his hands, but he seemed otherwise unscathed. Were it not for those bandages and the fact that he was hooked up to an IV, Kaneki would have thought he was totally fine.

 

The bleached blond turned around and lit up like the sun when he saw Kaneki standing there. He beamed and waved the hand that had the IV needle stuck in it. “Yo, Kaneki! What up, bro?”

 

“What up?” Kaneki said, feeling the relief give way to anger. “ _What up?_ Hide, this”—he gestured to their general environment—“is not something to just ‘what up’ me about. Dammit all, Hide, I thought you… I thought you were _dead!_ ” he choked out, tears stinging his eyes. He briskly swiped at them with the back of his wrist. “What the hell were you and Rize Kamishiro even doing at a construction site?” It didn’t escape Kaneki’s notice how Hide winced at her name.

 

“It’s no prob, ‘Neki!” Hide told him reassuringly. He pulled down his hospital shirt to reveal a thin brown scar curving up from his hip to just below his chest. “See? I’m all patched up and at a hundred and ten percent today! I’ll be going to school in no time and you won’t be so lonely anymore.”

 

Logic dictated that Hide’s jokes weren’t supposed to cheer Kaneki up. He was supposed to tell Hide off for being such a klutz and for not paying attention to his surroundings. He was supposed to say a lot of things. He didn’t say any of them. Mostly because with Hide, logic never really applied.

 

Kaneki took the seat next to Hide’s bedside and pointed at his half-eaten lunch. “You’re not eating that?”

 

“Not feeling the hospital food,” Hide said ruefully. He cast the lunch tray an overly disgusted look. “It’s got this antisepticky taste to it. Eurgh.”

 

“I know what you mean,” Kaneki agreed.

 

Hide’s cheery smile turned somber. “Your mom?”

 

“Yeah. Been here once or twice with her before she… you know… and we would have lunch at the cafeteria. It tasted really gross. I’d have thought they’d improved by now though.”

 

“Hospitals,” Hide said, shaking his head in mock disappointment. “They never learn.”

 

Smiling, Kaneki tried to repress the growing urge to ask his friend what had truly happened that night when he’d gone out with Rize Kamishiro (damn, that name still made him shiver). He had a really bad feeling about it. Since that night, after all, he’d been having the exact same dream. Rize Kamishiro, smiling, talking to him, walking closer and closer. Then—

 

Kaneki jumped to his feet, the chair falling to the floor with a clatter. _I remember it now!_ he thought, both thrilled and horrified. _She was saying something… Something about noticing me and then… She’d_ bitten _me!_ As if on cue, his left shoulder throbbed with pain from a wound that had never been there.

 

“Kaneki? What’s wrong?” Hide was watching him, concerned. He set his tray down on the floor and kicked off his sheets. He made to move off the bed.

 

Recovering from his terrible revelation, Kaneki swooped down on his friend, who was struggling to stand up. “Hide, what do you think you’re doing? You just survived an organ transplant—You can’t just get out of bed unassisted!” he fussed, gently pushing Hide back onto his bed. “There. Stay right there. Don’t you dare move.”

 

The bleached blond laughed softly and led himself be steered back into bed. “Aww, ‘Neki, you’re sweet when I’ve been close to death. Maybe I should do this more often.”

 

“ _Hide_ ,” Kaneki said warningly.

 

“Fine. I promise I _won’t_ try to get into any more life-threatening situations. You happy now, Mother dearest?”

 

Huffing, Kaneki crossed his arms. “You’re a terrible son,” he said. He uncrossed his arms and picked his chair back up. “Speaking of your mom…”

 

“Oh, no, no, no, Kaneki,” Hide said, wagging his finger in Kaneki’s face. “You’re not getting away from my questions this time. Why did you jump off the chair, hm? Did it catch fire or something? Tell me, Kaneki. What’s been bothering you lately?”

 

Kaneki opened his mouth, and then closed it. He shifted uneasily on his seat. What could he say? That he suspected Rize Kamishiro of being a Ghoul just because of a few dreams? That he had a sneaking premonition that his dreams weren’t _just_ dreams? He looked at Hide, troubled, knowing full well that he couldn’t totally hide from his friend’s discerning eye forever. He swallowed.

 

“Um, before we get to that,” he said slowly, “did you hurt your shoulder too?”

 

Hide blinked, taken aback by the sudden question. He pulled his left sleeve down a bit to reveal a brown splotch of uneven skin on his shoulder. “Yeah, I got clipped in the shoulder by one of the beams,” he explained. “Why do you ask?”

 

Kaneki felt his stomach drop. That scar… It hardly looked like a metal beam’s handiwork. If one looked closely in all the right places, it would look more like… _A bite mark_ , he thought. _Hide was bitten in the same place I was bitten in that dream._ Was it a coincidence? Had he gained ESP somehow?

 

“Hide—” he began just as the curtains were drawn back yet again.

 

“Good afternoon, Nagachika-san.” Standing by the curtains was an old man with a friendly smile, one hand in his white coat pocket and the other holding a clipboard. He started at the sight of Kaneki. “Oh, would this be…?”

 

“Yup!” Hide said brightly. “Doc, this is my best friend, Ken Kaneki. Kaneki, this is the best doctor on earth who saved my life, Doctor Kanou.”

 

 _Kanou._ Another name that hit Kaneki like a freight train going at a hundred miles per hour. Suddenly, he couldn’t control himself. He’d been shoved into the backseat of his own body as some other person—some other _thing_ —took total control of him. He pounced on Kanou, fisting his clothes as they fell. His thoughts were an angry, throbbing mess of a single word. _KanouKanouKanouKanou fucking_ Kanou _!_

 

“ _Bastard_ ,” he hissed. “ _You did this to me. You did this. Do you have any idea what I’ve_ —”

 

“Nurse!” Kanou managed to wheeze beneath Kaneki. “Nurse!”

 

Someone was screaming. Kanou’s breathing was slowing and his eyes were rolling into the back of his head. Arms were hooking themselves around Kaneki’s armpits, pulling him up and away from the old doctor. Kaneki thrashed, blind with rage, spitting fire. “ _Kanou, you are_ dead,” he was saying. “ _You are so_ fucking _dead. I will tear you apart. I will_ —”

 

A whispered apology and a sharp pain in his arm later, Kaneki felt himself falling into darkness again.

 

 _Again?_ he found himself thinking. _Have I been here before?_ The inky black was beckoning him closer and as he sank into it, he remembered with frightening clarity a pain that was much like what he’d always known, except magnified by a thousand.

 

It was the pain of being alone. He was all alone. Again.


	2. I Would Stay Out of Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t really want this fic to get all dark and broody even though it’s just another take on the original timeline. I’m doing my best to keep it from going that route so that the whole thing sits comfortably between “I want to kill myself (from all this angst)” and “I want to kill myself (from all this fluff).”

_I……… en……r……………… y………fer……_

_Words. Someone’s… words. Broken up by the crackling static of time and space. Like a painting torn apart by wolves or a statue that had crumbled to pieces. The end result was impossible to decipher. No matter how much the boy squinted or turned his head or how many steps he took backward to try and see the bigger picture, the fragments remained fragments and refused to put themselves together or find their lost comrades._

_The boy was left uncertain, fearful almost, of what whole the fragments made up, if they themselves didn’t wish to return to it. Perhaps he didn’t want to know what the whole looked like anymore. He turned his back on the fragments and felt himself vanish._

* * *

 

 

Kaneki woke up for the umpteenth time in two weeks with his head spinning and his body feeling oddly heavier than it should. He glanced around at his room and felt his stomach rumble. Time for breakfast, he guessed. That was when he smelled it. The wonderful, mouthwatering smell of hamburgers. He jumped out of bed and shot straight into the kitchen.

 

Hide stood by the stove, scowling at the burger he’d put in boiling water and rubbing his chin. “Hm, is that really how it’s supposed to go? Huh.” He pursed his lips and straightened, hands on his hips as he regarded Kaneki. “If your burger tastes like shit, I’ll have you know that it’s 88.8 per cent your fault because you wouldn’t get up to help me figure this out.”

 

Before a smile could totally pull at the edges of his mouth, Kaneki found himself wracking his brain for what had happened before he’d fallen asleep. He frowned. Why couldn’t he remember? The last thing… The last thing he could was visiting Hide at the hospital and remembering—

 

Kaneki shrieked, jumping high enough to clear a garden gnome. It made Hide shriek and jump too. The bleached blond clutched his chest, eyes wide, gasping for air. “Wh—What the hell, Kaneki?” he demanded, shaken. “What are you screaming about?”

 

_Rize Kamishiro_ , Kaneki thought, panic setting in as his mind replayed the dream over and over. Every time it did, it was like the events themselves were de-pixelizing and slowly coming into focus, becoming clearer and clearer until Kaneki couldn’t take it. He clutched his head and fell to a squat, begging his mind to stop because he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to see anymore. His mind was hardly a friendly thing.

 

He was suddenly in front of Rize Kamishiro herself. She was pressing herself against him, so close he could smell the sweet, flowery perfume radiating from her skin. Then he registered the electric jolt of pain from his left shoulder. He fell back, screaming. She was coming for him with… _What the hell_ were _those things coming from her back?_ It was like something out of a tentacle porn video gone horribly wrong. And it wanted to rip him apart. The blood-red tentacle things shot toward him and suddenly he was thrown into… into a construction site? He staggered to his feet. He had to get away. He was convinced he’d broken at least fifteen important bones in his body from the way he was thrown like that. Only adrenaline kept him going. Otherwise, he would have already succumbed to the pain reverberating through his body.

 

In an instant, Rize Kamishiro was upon him. With barely enough time to gather his wits, he was stabbed into by one of the tentacle things. The pain… The pain… The _pain_ …

 

Rize Kamishiro was saying something. She was smiling.

 

_Kaneki! Kaneki, stay with me. Look at me. Look. At. Me._

 

What? What? Why did she sound like that? So far away, so distant… And her voice…

 

_Hey. Hey, don’t make me slap you. I really don’t want to do that. I’ve just had my nails done._

 

Well, it _did_ sound like maybe something she’d say, right? Maybe? Kaneki didn’t know. He didn’t know anything but pain.

 

_Please, Kaneki. Please. I don’t want to have to hurt you. I… can’t… I can’t do that. If I…_

 

Okay, that did _not_ sound like her at all. Kaneki was sure he was dreaming now. After all, why on earth would he be hearing—

 

“Hide!” Kaneki gasped, sitting up so fast he got dizzy. He shook it off. Beside him, Hide let out a huge sigh of relief and fell backward.

 

“Oh man,” the bleached blond groaned. “I thought I really had to slap you back there.”

 

Kaneki still wasn’t completely sure what he’d just seen. He wasn’t sure if it was real or not, because obviously, he wasn’t the one who’d ended up in the hospital after a date with Rize Kamishiro. He began to knead his temples, trying to get his thoughts in a logical order.

_1.Rize Kamishiro is probably a Ghoul._

_2.If she is, she might have attacked Hide._

 

Then what? What did both of that lead up to? Kaneki felt more confused than ever. If Rize Kamishiro had attacked Hide, the wound on his shoulder made sense, as well as the one in his side (Kaneki winced at that one; it felt excruciating enough in a dream). She must have rearranged his insides or something, forcing the surgeons to do an organ transplant. An organ transplant… _from Rize herself?_

 

What would transferring a Ghoul’s organs into a human do? Not much, Kaneki dared to hope.

 

Hide was standing up, brushing dust off of the back of his pants and holding out a hand for Kaneki. “Come on. Up you get.”

 

Kaneki took his hand and got up. Hide grinned and patted him on the back before moving off to the burger that was still cooking. Eyeing him cautiously, Kaneki wondered why Hide wasn’t asking him anything anymore. The blond had been so intent on getting answers out of him before. Now he wasn’t saying much of anything. Why?

 

“Hide,” Kaneki began nervously, “how did I end up here? I thought we were at the hospital.”

 

Hide raised his eyebrows. “I wheeled you out yesterday. I was going to be discharged anyway, so I asked if I could bring you home myself. I got your key from your pocket and I decided to drop by this morning to check up on you because I’m just that awesome.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Kaneki mumbled, shame blossoming on his cheeks at the thought of having to be pushed on a wheelchair all the way home. By Hide, no less. It also didn’t help that he was imagining Hide groping his pants for the key… “I keep causing you trouble, don’t I?”

 

“There you go again, taking all the blame.” Hide clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “How many times have I got to tell you that it’s no big deal? I’m your best friend, ‘Neki. Taking care of you when you’re in a rough patch is kinda part of my job description.” He paused, his gaze sliding over to the burger floating in bubbling hot water. If Kaneki hadn’t known any better, he might have assumed that Hide had wanted to say something but decided against it.

 

“But, uh, I’m not saying being your best friend is like a _job_ or something,” Hide said quickly, his head swiveling back to Kaneki. “Or, maybe it is, but it’s a _fun_ job like, I dunno, working at an amusement park or at a bowling alley.”

 

Kaneki tried not to laugh, but it still came out of him as a sort of violent snort. “A bowling alley?”

 

“You know I like listening to old people squabble over which pin to hit when there’s a split,” Hide said, shrugging. He smiled as Kaneki doubled over with laughter. “Yeah. I like that much better,” he murmured.

 

“You like old people squabbling over splits much better than what?”

 

Eyes widening, Hide’s face turned a hilarious shade of tomato red. “Uh, um, ah, that’s…” He pointed at the burger all of a sudden. “I meant your burger! I like it much better than natto.”

 

Kaneki wrinkled his nose. “Well, of course you do,” he said. “Natto is disgusting. I think the burger’s good now, though.”

 

Hide made a show of looking at his watch and nodded vigorously. “Wow, yeah, would you look at that—you’re absolutely right,” he said. “I’ll get you a plate and stuff.” He hurried to one of the cupboards, avoiding Kaneki’s gaze.

 

Huh. That was weird. What was Hide blushing for anyway? But he had to agree with the blond. Burgers over natto any day of the century. Kaneki turned off the stove and carefully got the plastic-wrapped burger out of the water and onto a nearby plate. He peeled open the plastic and eased the burger out.

 

Later, he was sitting at the table with Hide, saying his thanks for the meal. He was one third of the way into the burger when he noticed Hide wasn’t eating. He didn’t even have a plate or a single utensil with him. Kaneki lowered his fork. Hide was starting to look a little green. Like his pants.

 

“Hide? Aren’t you hungry?” he asked.

 

“Oh, huh?” Hide blinked, like he’d just realized something. “No, I’m… I just ate.”

 

“You did?” He always said Kaneki was a bad liar, but the blond was just as horrible himself sometimes.

 

“Yeah. I got something from Family Mart on the way here.”

 

“Something like…?”

 

“Something like pasta?”

 

Kaneki sighed. “Hide, I can tell that you’re lying.” He cut half of what was left of his burger and set it to one side. He held the fork out to Hide. “Eat. It’ll be good for you.”

 

“I wouldn’t say that,” the blond laughed nervously, edging away from the table. “I bet that thing has a bazillion preservatives and carcinogens.”

 

Rolling his eyes, Kaneki got a bit of burger on the fork and held it up to Hide. “Come on, Hide, just eat it. No excuses.”

 

“ _’Neki_ ,” Hide whined.

 

“No amount of whining is going to save you.” Really, why was Hide being so stubborn? He wasn’t usually like this. All it took was a bit of convincing on Kaneki’s part and he’d always cave in. Oh! Kaneki hadn’t tried _that_ yet. _That_ being a kicked-puppy look he’d mastered in recent years. Hide hadn’t _ever_ been able to say no to that.

 

“Oh, no,” Hide whispered, horror written all over his face at Kaneki’s puppy dog pout. He lifted his hands to shield his eyes. “Nooo! It’s the Cutesy Ken Look. Oh God, I’m a dead man. Don’t do this to me, ‘Neki,” he begged. “I’ll do anything! Anything!”

 

“Even eat a preservative-filled, cancer-causing burger?” Kaneki asked sweetly.

 

The blond was silent, a thousand warring emotions on his face, but finally, he let out a defeated huff. “You’re a sadist,” he declared. “Kaneki the Sadist. I’m calling you that from now on.”

 

“Not very catchy, but maybe it’ll do. Now, open wide,” Kaneki instructed, raising the fork.

 

Hide let Kaneki feed him, much to the latter’s relief. It didn’t look like the blond was chewing much—mostly he seemed to swallow the burger bits whole—but Kaneki wasn’t about to be nitpicky about details. He felt a little bit victorious and a great deal satisfied when he managed to get Hide to eat the half-burger he had set aside. It made Kaneki feel good that he was finally returning his best friend a favor. Small as it was, a favor was a favor. Even if Hide had already done him several thousand, the largest of which being that he actually made friends with someone like Kaneki.

 

Feeding Hide also kind of made Kaneki blush at some point. Wasn’t this something a girlfriend did? Maybe Hide was thinking the same thing too. He snuck in a glance or two at Hide’s expression and read only reluctance. It made his spirits fall. Well, of course Hide wouldn’t like being spoon(fork)fed by his best guy friend. He’d rather someone curvier and elegant-looking like Rize Kamishiro to feed him right? Even if she _was_ a Ghoul…

 

“What happened to her?” Kaneki mused aloud.

 

“Hm?” Hide looked a little disoriented. He swallowed, frowning. “… Her?”

 

“Your Lady Goddess,” Kaneki said wryly. “She’s the one who gave you her organs right?”

 

“Uh huh. She… didn’t make it.”

 

“Oh.” His thoughts were whirring again. Rize Kamishiro was dead? Wasn’t she a Ghoul? Had the “accident” been _that_ bad? Well, he figured falling metal beams were fatal enough for anyone, but didn’t she have those… tentacle things? Why hadn’t she protected herself? Kaneki knew it was probably easy to get answers from Hide, who’d been there himself, but Kaneki still wasn’t totally sure if he was going crazy or not. He needed definitive proof that his dreams weren’t dreams. Besides, it had been just _one_ dream, over and over. Probably a coincidence.

 

“Kaneki, can I ask you something?” Hide put a fist to his mouth, grimacing.

 

“Go ahead.”

 

“Do you… know Doctor Kanou from somewhere?”

 

_Kanou_ , something within Kaneki rasped. _KanouKanouKanou I’ll kill him I’ll make him suffer I’ll—_ It was only out of sheer terror and willpower that Kaneki managed to put a cap on that voice within him. “Nope,” he told Hide. “I’ve never even heard of him.”

 

He really hadn’t. It was just… There was just something inside him that thought it knew Kanou. Maybe, because of all those sleepless nights working on his term paper, he’d developed some alternate ego that was itching to take its frustration out on someone. Didn’t everyone have that problem about schoolwork?

 

Hide closed his eyes, sighing through his nose. “I see,” he said, leaning back. “Okay.”

 

The ensuing silence was making Kaneki uncomfortable for some reason. He was one or two bites away from finishing his burger completely. After that, he’d wash up and then they’d get going to class. Oh, hold on. A glance at the calendar back in his bedroom told him that nope, it was Sunday today. What to do?

 

“Uh, ‘Neki?”

 

Kaneki glanced up at Hide. “What is it?”

 

“I think I’ll go home,” the blond said, standing.

 

“You sure you can walk home by yourself?”

 

A laugh. “I’m not five, ‘Neki. I can handle it. Don’t worry about me.”

 

“O-oh. Okay. I just thought…” Kaneki was starting to mutter.

 

“What was that?”

 

“N-Never mind! It’s nothing.”

 

Had Kaneki really been expecting to spend the entire Sunday with Hide? Just because he was here? He wanted to smack himself a good one. Hide probably had plans to go somewhere else with some other girl today. _No_ , argued the logical part of Kaneki’s brain, _he was in the hospital for the better part of two weeks. He can’t have another date so soon._ Unless he’d picked up a girl at that Family Mart he said he’d passed by. _Didn’t we just establish that was a lie?_ Why was he even arguing with himself? This was stupid. _You’re stupid. No, I’m stupid._ Aaargh. Kaneki wanted to tear his hair out.

 

“’Neki?” Hide was at the door, pulling on his shoes. “Aren’t you going to see me off? Your wonderful, beautiful, amazing bestest friend in the whole wide universe?”

 

Kaneki got up and walked over to him, shaking his head and barely suppressing his smile. “Good _bye_ , Hide,” he said. “Thanks for bringing me home, by the way.”

 

“Any time,” Hide said, looking deadly serious. “Any time you need me, Kaneki. I’ll be there.”

 

A bubble of laughter escaped Kaneki’s lips. “Same to you,” he said, opening the door to let his friend out. After the blond’s face broke into a toothy grin, he sent a two-fingered salute Kaneki’s way before turning and walking away. Kaneki watched him until the top of his head disappeared down the stairs. He closed the door with a sigh.

 

Now he had an entire Sunday to himself. He wondered what to do about it. His priorities had the three-quarters done term paper sitting at the very top. He wasn’t all too sure he could go back to it without having more Ghoul-Rize-Trying-To-Kill-Me visions. He rubbed his eyes, groaning.

 

_A new book_ , he told himself. _That’s what I need right now._

 

He nodded to himself and set out to wash his used dish and fork before he left his apartment for a bookstore.

 

* * *

 

 

“Well, of course I’d end up getting a book about Ghouls.” Kaneki was so annoyed at himself, he was muttering all of his frustrations under his breath as he lugged the two paper bags full of books up the street. “Of course I’d do that. Two thousand yen for a stupid book about Ghouls. Seriously, Kaneki. Have you lost your mind?”

 

He needed a break. He needed some coffee. He needed—

 

“Oof!”

 

“Hey, watch where you’re—uh. Ahem. That is. Excuse me.”

 

Kaneki looked up, mouth open in an apology, when he saw who he’d bumped into. It was that waitress at that café Hide had taken him to two weeks ago. What was her name again?

 

“Sorry about that, Touka-chan,” he said. _Touka?_ How did he know that? He was sure he hadn’t looked at her nametag once when he and Hide had been at that café… And, really, Touka- _chan?_ “Oh, um, sorry, I meant, Touka- _san_. I’m sorry.”

 

The girl named Touka had been walking down the street toward him and had flushed angrily when he’d said her name with such a familiar honorific. Now that he’d corrected himself, she seemed to restrain her anger a little. It didn’t stop her from pushing past him roughly with an irate grunt, though.

 

“Just pay attention next time, bookworm,” she said under her breath as she passed.

 

“Um, how did you…?”

 

“Your bags, you idiot, your bags,” she said airily, without looking back at him.

 

Kaneki flushed, realizing that the paper bags he was holding all had the bookstore’s name— _Bookstop_ —printed on them in bold English letters and smaller katakana beneath. He shook his head dejectedly at himself and kept walking.

 

* * *

 

_Chapter One: A History_

_Scholars continue to be left baffled by the origin of the species known as Ghouls and still cannot fully explain why they only seem to be born in certain areas of the world, especially the most populated ones. Tokyo prefecture is, unfortunately, one of these areas with the most concentrated Ghoul populations than elsewhere in the world, competing with the likes of Rio de Janeiro and utterly outnumbering populations in New York and London. Some theorize that…_

 

“So there _are_ Ghouls in other countries then,” Kaneki said aloud to himself as he held the book high above his face. He was lying on his bed, having just eaten a very satisfying dinner of ready-to-eat katsudon from the supermarket, and had finally decided to peruse the book he’d bought about Ghouls. It was entitled, _Ghouls: All You Need to Know, 5 th Edition_. Fifth Edition.

 

He shook his head—he’d been doing that a lot lately. The author must have had a lot of free time on their hands if they could write and roll out five editions of the exact same thing. What was there to write about Ghouls anyway? They ate people. Snuck around. Ate more people. _But what about those tentacle things on Rize?_ The memory of the dream made him shudder. If he wanted to know more about that, he probably should keep reading. Might as well make the most of his two thousand yen. He flipped the pages and picked a random one.

 

_The author believes that Ghouls are incapable of reproducing with humans. The genetic makeup of the Ghoul, which allows for carnivorous behavior, would very likely overcome whatever libido either party can assume under certain circumstances. In other words, a very excited Ghoul would sooner feed on his or her human partner than copulate with them. This is, of course, assuming that the human would even_ want _to engage in sexual intercourse with a Ghoul._

 

Kaneki blinked and flipped the pages again. He felt his cheeks burning and had a hard time deciding whether he was mad at the fact that he read that whole thing or at the fact that he was a college student blushing over the words “libido” and “copulate.” _You’re still such a baby, Kaneki_ , he could hear Hide teasing him. _If I were banging a girl like this, you know what I’d say? I’d say, ‘I’m hungry for some lovin’, baby. Why don’t you gimme some?’_ Kaneki shot up into a sitting position and almost threw the book at the wall. His face felt about the same temperature as, oh, maybe the surface of the sun. He wanted to strangle himself and kick himself off the face of this planet. What was he even thinking? Hide wasn’t a Ghoul! And… And besides, if he _were_ … banging a girl… he’d say worse things than that…

 

No, no, no! Kaneki shook his head vigorously until it hurt and he had to lie back down again. Worse things, like worse _jokes_. Not worse, like… _that_ kind of worse. “Just read something, Kaneki,” he told himself angrily. “Just read.”

 

_A Ghoul typically needs no more than one body to satiate its hunger for one to two months at a time. Being mainly a consumer of human flesh, the Ghoul’s body therefore, is unable to digest normal human food._

 

This piqued Kaneki’s interest. Unable to digest normal human food? Why?

 

_Every organ in the Ghoul’s body has been redesigned to only allow for the consumption of human flesh. From its nose to its taste buds to its stomach, the Ghoul’s body absolutely cannot abide human food. It smells and tastes to them as trash or worse would to us. Their bodies immediately reject it and try as they might, they are never able to keep it down._

 

Unbidden, the memory of Hide turning green at the sight of Kaneki’s hamburger came to mind. As well as the memory of his unfinished lunch at the hospital. Kaneki tried to ignore it. He was probably just imagining things. Anyway, if Hide really _couldn’t_ handle the smell or taste of normal food, he wouldn’t have tried to make Kaneki’s breakfast, right? He wouldn’t have sat there, watching him eat, would he? _It would’ve been torture_ , Kaneki thought. He caught himself. Why did it feel like he knew just how horrible the experience would have been?

 

_I think that’s enough reading for today_ , he thought to himself and put the book down on the table next to his bed. Then he tried to review what he’d learned, the same way he’d tried to summarize what he’d known about Hide’s situation.

 

_1\. Ghouls exist. They’re even in other cities all over the world._

_2\. Ghouls and humans can’t reproduce._

_3\. Ghouls can’t stand the taste or smell of human food._

 

But what about the tentacle things? Kaneki reluctantly picked up the book again and went through the table of contents. Finding a page on the Ghoul’s physical structures, he went straight into it but couldn’t find anything related to what he’d seen in his dream of Rize. The closest were _superior physical strength compared to a human’s_ and _an_ _overall step up in terms of the six senses._ Nothing, however, on mysterious growths on Ghouls’ backs that seemed to have a mind of their own.

 

The book was returned to its place on the table and Kaneki was left again to wonder if what he’d seen in his dream was real or not. Well, it appeared real enough. If he cut himself out of it with a pair of scissors and pasted Hide on in his place, it was undeniable that many things suddenly made more sense. Kaneki didn’t remember getting hit on the head, though, and he certainly didn’t remember wounding his hands.

 

Something wasn’t right here. Had it been a premonition? Kaneki had read about those in countless books, even some of Sen Takatsuki’s. The protagonist would get nightly visions of the future in the form of dreams. Sometimes, they’d get an odd sense of déjà vu when they experienced it in reality. But, again, Kaneki hadn’t been the one to take Rize Kamishiro on a date. He hadn’t been the one attacked by her. He hadn’t been the one to undergo an organ transplant. It had all been Hide. What did this mean? Was he getting visions of _Hide’s_ future? Why? Why not his own future?

 

No. There was something else. There was something he was missing. Something important. He was close, he could feel it, but something didn’t quite fit.

 

This was about the time when he noticed the wheelchair folded and pushed against one corner of his bedroom. He’d been so engrossed in the book and all of his thoughts, he hadn’t even seen it there earlier. He pushed himself up into a sitting position. Hide must have forgotten to return it to the hospital. Leave it to the bleached blond to skimp on the details. Kaneki knew, without telling himself, what had to be done.

 

* * *

 

 

The nurse who took back the wheelchair did it quickly, with as little eye contact and speech as she could manage. Kaneki didn’t wonder much. He still remembered using that odd voice of his on her. Thinking of the voice and how it had gotten so worked up at the mention of Kanou earlier that day confirmed the thing Kaneki knew he was missing in his theories. It had something to do with that voice.

 

It was early on in the evening. Deep in thought again, he found himself wandering a little. He mentally brought up the two lists he had of things he knew and decided it might be easier to make a list of things he _didn’t_ know.

 

_1\. Are my dreams visions of Hide’s future?_

_2\. What’s that voice inside me? Who owns it? Who_ is _it? It can’t be me, right?_

_3\. Is Hide a Ghoul? If he is, was it that organ transplant that made him into one? How does that even work?_

_4\. Do I know Kanou, really? Why does that voice inside me think it does?_

_5\. Will I get more visions?_

_6\. Where is Hide? What does he need to do on a Sunday, leaving so early like that? Does he have a girlfriend now?_

_7\. Why am I so caught up with Hide anyway? Since when did I care about his Sunday plans?_

 

Kaneki grimaced. Somehow, the list had turned into a feelings-about-Hide list and he didn’t want to go down that road right now. Speaking of which, what road was he on now? Not so much a road, as a narrow, twisting alleyway. How’d he get here? There was a cracking noise, and he recognized it somehow.

 

It was the sound of bones breaking.

 

Suddenly, the air around him had gotten thin—too thin to breathe—and heavy—too heavy to run—both at the same time. But there was that metallic tang in the air that he knew all too well. Blood.

 

“You seem a little preoccupied.”

 

He had to run. But where? In front of him, bones snapping. Behind him, a presence radiating bloodlust.

 

“You’re an unlucky one. I’m in a bad mood today.”

 

And then Kaneki was in midair, twisting and tumbling. He hit a wall and slid to the ground, his mind running painfully slow. He was aware. He was aware of what was happening but he couldn’t _move!_ He could see his fingers, his feet, but he couldn’t even make them twitch.

 

Someone loomed over him.

 

“Wanna know why I’m in a bad mood today?”

 

Lifted. He was being lifted by his neck.

 

“First, this piece of shit—calls himself Kazuo—wanders into _my_ territory and eats _my_ food,” said the stranger. The stranger with glasses. “So I gotta kill him, y’know? No big deal. I just did. Second, I’ve got a tiny human here who’s seen things he shouldn’t have.”

 

“I… I didn’t…” Kaneki found himself saying, though it was hard to say much of anything when a hand was clamped around his throat. “I… didn’t… see anything…”

 

The hand tightened around his neck and he could practically _feel_ his windpipe being crushed. “I’m not even going to _start_ on all that work I left unfinished to do this. I wanted a meal, see? Not more stress. Not more horseshit on my shoe. I. Just Want. To Eat. Do you understand my meaning?”

 

Kaneki tried to nod, but it was impossible. “Yes!” he squeaked. “Y-Yes… I… under…” _Air!_ his lungs screamed. _Air!_ Black spots danced in his eyes and he could feel his head was close to bursting from the lack of oxygen.

 

“Nishiki, what the fuck do you think you’re doing here?”

 

“Ah? What? Is that you, Touka?”

 

“Put the human down.”

 

“Why don’t you make me?”

 

“You’re going to regret saying that.”

 

“Ha! You’re tryin’ to be fun—”

 

Kaneki wasn’t all too sure what was going on, but he was just glad he was on the ground, swallowing lungful after wonderful lungful of air. His head quit throbbing and his vision cleared a bit. Next to him, he saw two bodies. One was missing a head and the other looked like it had been ripped apart. He wasted no time turning around and puking on the ground.

 

He looked up, his stomach roiling in fear and disgust, in time to see the guy with glasses—Nishiki?—clutching his bleeding hand. Nishiki snarled at something in the darkness beyond what the dim alleyway lamplight could offer.

 

“You damn bitch,” he growled. “You’re gonna pay for this.”

 

“Oh, am I?”

 

Then, suddenly, she was there. Not half a foot away from Nishiki, facing him down without flinching.

 

_Touka_ - _chan_ , Kaneki thought instinctively, his body flooding with relief.

 

“I’ll kill you,” Nishiki said, quiet fury lacing his words.

 

Touka laughed and put a hand on her hip. “I’d like to see you try.”

 

Nishiki lunged, reaching for her throat, but she jumped back, out of harm’s way. They circled each other for a few moments. Tension rose, clouding the air and pulling it down, turning it into deadweight. Kaneki begged for a release from it. Somebody had to do _something_.

 

Touka did. She sprinted forward, eyes gleaming in the semi-darkness, and pulled her fist back into a punch. Nishiki anticipated her move, ducked the punch and aimed a kick at her legs. But the punch was a feint. She caught him with a knee to his stomach and Kaneki winced at the sound of more bones cracking. Nishiki let out a grunt of pain and clutched his stomach, glaring daggers at Touka.

 

“Is that it?” he sneered. “That’s all you’ve got?”

 

She didn’t answer. She had taken a few steps back and was watching him silently. It didn’t take long for him (and Kaneki) to notice that he was suddenly covered in a multitude of tiny, bleeding wounds. Kaneki’s eyes widened in wonder. When had she done _that?_

 

“Should I cut deeper next time?” she asked, looking almost bored as she regarded her work.

 

Nishiki knew he’d lost, but he didn’t make a very good show of it. He spat at her feet and, like he’d only just remembered, grabbed a chunk of the mangled human corpse that had lain there, forgotten, during the fight. He took off then, melting into the shadows of the alley beyond.

 

Kaneki watched him leave in disbelief. He slumped against the wall and breathed a sigh. He was alive. He’d been about to die, but he’d been saved. He sat up just as Touka strode toward him. She held out a hand.

 

“Touka-chan, thank y—”

 

Then she was slamming him against the wall. Confusion masked the pain. “What…?” he choked out.

 

“If he didn’t kill you, I said I would,” she said, her voice low and threatening. “That’s what I’m _supposed_ to do.”

 

“But… you… won’t…?” Kaneki regretted the words as soon as he managed them. He closed his eyes tight, waiting for retribution to come. Her grip, however, slackened.

 

“That was the deal,” she said simply. “But he never said I couldn’t hit you.” Just as he’d begun to have hope that he’d escape this night alive yet, he found himself reeling into the darkness from a very hard, very painful punch. He felt himself falling unconscious for the umpteenth time in two weeks.

 

“It’s Kirishima-san to you,” he thought he heard before he drifted off, “not Touka-chan, you rude, shitty little bookworm.”

 

When he let the darkness consume him, he was surprised to see himself standing at the door of a familiar place. A voice spoke.

 

_“Come inside. I’ll make you some coffee. Let’s talk a little.”_

 

_Oh,_ Kaneki thought, a vague sort of warmth flitting through his chest. _A memory._


	3. I Would Want To Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More answers. Even more questions. And Touka can sense all this UST in the air.

_There was a strange mix of fear and security settling in Kaneki’s stomach as he took up the old man’s offer. Maybe it was because he hadn’t had anyone act so kindly to him since he had become a—_

_Static scratched at his mind, blocking out the tail end of an important thought. The old man led him inside a building. It was difficult to tell, because everything seemed so much darker than it was supposed to be. All he could really make out was a single stool standing in the middle of a dim circle of light._

_One blink, and then in the next, he was sitting on the stool with a cup in his hands. The old man was standing to one side with an encouraging smile. Kaneki turned back to the cup. His heart was hammering in his chest and he could feel the beginnings of another puking session climbing up his throat. He made to set the cup back down but the dream—or memory—had him under its control._

_He brought the cup to his lips_. _The sharp yet unmistakable taste of coffee coated his tongue. It was delicious._

 

_The memory—or dream—started to collapse around him. There wasn’t much to it anyway: just a stool, a cup of coffee, a halo of light, and an old man Kaneki had never met before. As it all came crumbling down to make way for reality, a string of fragmented moments came through like the fraying ends of a piece of cloth ripped from the rest of itself._

_The old man, smiling, handing him a small brown package of something that Kaneki knew, instantly, was—_

_Again, static taking the place of a vital thought._

_The old man, smiling, teaching him to eat a sandwich. It would have been funny if Kaneki hadn’t been a—_

_The old man, smiling, standing by a window from which morning sunshine flooded through, between the blinds. He was saying something, but all Kaneki could hear was the faint buzz of that self-same television static that was starting to grate on his nerves. Then Kaneki’s eyes roved the room, falling onto a figure snuggled beneath bed sheets._

_A figure with blond hair, browning at the roots, bandages circling its head._

 

* * *

 

 

Kaneki woke up in his apartment.

 

He didn’t feel drowsy. On the contrary, every muscle, every vein in his body sang with energy. He needed to get up. He did.

 

He remembered the dreams. Parts of them were fading fast, but he managed to hold onto them long enough to take down enough of a mental picture to stick onto his consciousness. After that, they were nothing but slow-moving, murky images. Kaneki closed his eyes, let out a long exhale through his nose, and did his best to piece together the events of last night, before he saw the dreams.

 

The wheelchair. The hospital. Getting attacked by Nishiki. Being rescued by Touka-chan—er, no, Touka- _san_. He vaguely recalled that she wanted him to call her Kirishima-san. He didn’t really like the idea of calling her by her last name, but in his thoughts, at least, he’d keep her first name.

 

The memory of Touka made his left cheek sting. He brought fingers up to it and winced when it throbbed like a fresh bruise. It probably _was_ bruising, what with that awfully strong punch that had sent him straight into darkness. Inside his cheek, the flesh was lacerated where it had cut against his teeth. After losing consciousness, he didn’t recall much besides the dreams themselves and even those were staling.

 

 _Wait a minute_ , he thought, his brain finally catching up with the world around him. _What am I doing back here?_ He turned around in a full circle, absorbing the sight of his bedroom and the hallway leading to both the door and his kitchenette. The realization that he was back in his apartment for no logical reason made him want to slap himself. How could he only notice _now_? Waking up in a familiar environment was probably why he hadn’t seen it soon enough, but he still couldn’t bear how much of an idiot he’d been for the past five minutes since getting out of bed.

 

How had he gotten back to his apartment? After Touka had punched the living daylights out of him, had she dragged him back here somehow? She was strong enough to face Nishiki—who, Kaneki remembered with striking clarity, was a Ghoul—so she had to have been strong enough to bring him back home. His apartment key and his student ID card with his address were both in his wallet and that would’ve been no problem for her to locate. But why? Why would she do that? He struggled to remember every single detail from last night. Even the smallest one was bound to hold answers.

 

One detail surfaced. Touka’s last words before she’d knocked him out: _That was the deal. But he never said I couldn’t hit you_.

 

Unfortunately, it raised only more questions instead of answers. What “deal”? Who was “he”? The old man from Kaneki’s dreams, perhaps?

 

Thinking so hard about it but not getting a single concrete answer at all was nothing short of frustrating. A glance at his watch told him that it was time to get to class. He went into his bathroom and took a good long look at himself in the mirror. Unsurprisingly, he looked the part of someone who’d gotten into a bad fight and lost. His hair was a rat’s nest, sticking out every which way. His cheek was turning blue and purple and a line of dried blood ran from one corner of his mouth to his chin. Probably from the wound in his mouth from the punch. Closer inspection revealed more finger-like bruises on his neck.

 

He opened the cabinet behind the mirror to reveal a box of Salonpas, some bandages, and a tube of antibiotic ointment. He sighed and figured he would have to make do. A trip to a drug store for more first aid supplies would be good. Some ominous feeling told him that this wouldn’t be the last time he’d need them.

 

* * *

  

Going to Kamii, Kaneki thought he’d spot Hide early on. He was sorely disappointed. Hide didn’t make his usual morning appearance by the Arts building and Kaneki was left to his own devices until their shared Asian History class after lunch. He adjusted the strap of his bag and wallowed in thoughts about last night as he made his way to his first class.

 

During class, it soon became clear that paying attention was going to be impossible. Well, fine. It’s not like he wanted to think about college algebra anyway. He let his mind soar out of his head as the professor droned on and on about some theorem he couldn’t care any less about. He was likely going to pay for his inattentiveness but it was nothing he couldn’t ask Hide for help on. The bleached blond didn’t look it, but he was a total math geek. And a science geek. An everything geek. Put something even remotely academic (which is to say, _everything_ ) in front of the guy and he’d gobble it up in two seconds flat.

 

Kaneki snorted and the entire class turned to look at him, including the professor. His cheeks burned with humiliation and when the professor asked him to solve the problem on the board, he barely managed to scrape by. Thanks to reviewing Hide’s math tutorials in his head, of course. The professor seemed satisfied that he wasn’t a total idiot and turned back to his lecture. The rest of the class followed suit, obviously let down by Kaneki’s success.

 

He sank lower into his seat and picked up the ballpoint pen next to the open notebook sitting in front of him. Sadly, daydreaming wasn’t an option any longer.

 

* * *

 

 

Lunchtime and still no Hide.

 

It was worrying. It was like those two long, horrible weeks after Hide’s date with Rize. Kaneki tried desperately not to think the worst, but the bleached blond had turned off his phone and, despite his tall tales of having a literal line of ladies waiting for him, was _always_ ready to meet up with Kaneki before Asian History. Just not today.

 

 _The library_ , he thought to calm himself down. _I’ll just do some homework. Maybe even read that Ghoul book I have no idea why I even brought to school._ Maybe Hide was just caught up helping out a senior with some other odd jobs, as per the usual. He was a generous guy at heart, and was almost constantly running around campus, doing some fool’s errand. When Kaneki had asked him why he even bothered, he’d said that he needed the exercise and it put him on the ladies’ good side. _A helpful man is a man worth paying attention to_ , Hide had told him with a sage look about him.

 

 _You mean a potential slave_ , Kaneki had replied.

 

 _Details, details_ , Hide had said, waving a hand dismissively.

 

Wallowing in thoughts and memories of Hide was making Kaneki’s stomach twist painfully. He made up his mind to head for the library.

 

Kamii University’s library was a big one, as one might expect from one of Tokyo’s best schools. Five floors of resource material, comfortable chairs, study halls, and a couple tiny cafés on the first and top floors, it easily eclipsed every other library within miles. Even the 20th Ward Public Library couldn’t outshine it. This wasn’t all to say that Kaneki liked staying in there, though. He preferred sitting outside in the fresh air with his boxed lunch and a good Sen Takatsuki book. Hide liked taking that a step further and almost always convinced Kaneki to leave the campus with him for lunch most days.

 

Finding a secluded corner on the third floor was relatively easy. Most people stayed on the other floors because this one had the dustiest collections and the least comfortable chairs. There was also the stark lack of a café to take into consideration, too. Not to mention the horribly musty smell that permeated this whole floor. Well, as long as there weren’t too many people to stare at him as he read his Ghoul book, Kaneki thought it was tolerable—his dad’s old library kind of smelled like this anyway. He settled quietly into an empty seat deep into the maze of shelves of books he didn’t think he would ever have enough boredom to open.

 

He heard voices drift in from behind him. People had walked in and chosen this particular part of the floor to stop and talk. Just Kaneki’s luck. The muted and far-off tones were still rather loud in the utter silence of the near-deserted floor but he knew he wouldn’t have been able to hear them were it not for the cracks between shelves that hadn’t been pushed together properly. Still, he tried not to let these voices distract him as he opened _Ghouls: All You Need to Know, 5 th Edition_.

 

“… sleeping, obviously.”

 

Kaneki froze. That voice. He knew that voice. His hands flew to his throat, where he’d put a couple Salonpas to cover up the bruises.

 

“So was I,” another voice—the familiarity of it nearly knocking Kaneki off his chair—said lightly. “You know about sleepwalking, Nishio-senpai?”

 

Kaneki had to bite down on his tongue to keep from crying out Hide’s name. He felt an overwhelming wave of relief wash over him, knowing that the blond was all right and not in the hospital, fresh out of another surgery.  At the same time, he felt a spike of fear because Hide was talking to someone who’d nearly killed Kaneki just the previous night. Someone Kaneki knew for sure was a Ghoul.

 

“Yeah, sure. Oi, Nagachika, if you called me here to waste my time—”

 

“I promise I won’t take more than ten minutes.” Kaneki could hear the smile in Hide’s voice. “I just want to know if you sleepwalk, senpai. For a project, you know.”

 

Nishiki sighed noisily. “I don’t,” he said impatiently. “I’m busy right now so if that’s all, I’m gonna go.” The sound of shoe bottoms against the linoleum floor told Kaneki that Nishiki had turned to leave. He mentally cheered. _Yes! Get away from Hide, you murderous—_

 

“I used to sleepwalk, as a kid,” Hide said brightly, making Nishiki stop. “In the middle of the night, I just got up, you know, and went straight for the fridge. My mom hated it, and she kept telling me that midnight snacking was going to make me fat. I was a kid back then so I thought she was just making things up to keep me from sneaking bites of the expensive stuff she bought all the time.” He paused, and this time, the brief silence was enough for Kaneki to envision the wide grin on Hide’s face. “You get what I’m saying, don’t you, senpai?”

 

“Uh… Sure, whatever.” Was it just Kaneki’s imagination, or did Nishiki sound _uneasy_? “See you around, Nagachika.”

 

“See you around, senpai,” Hide replied, cheery as ever. Footsteps sounded and faded as they exited the floor. Hide stayed where he was for a couple moments, lingering silently for reasons Kaneki couldn’t fathom. Then he mumbled something Kaneki couldn’t hear and set off, following after Nishiki and leaving the floor.

 

After the two of them had gone, Kaneki felt his muscles unwind like they were going to fall to the floor in a heap. He hadn’t realized how tense the encounter had made him. He still couldn’t figure out why he hadn’t made himself known to Hide after Nishiki had left. It would take until Asian History for that particular realization to dawn on him.

 

* * *

 

 

“Heya, ‘Neki! I finally found ya!”

 

One hour later, Hide put a heavy arm around Kaneki’s shoulders as they headed into the classroom together and dumped their things at their usual seats by the windows. “You wouldn’t believe how many people had me running around all day,” he went on, stretching his arms up above his head.

 

Kaneki wasn’t able to find it in himself to say something concrete, so he just nodded and went through his bag. He pulled out a notebook and a pen. Hide leaned over to him, pouting.

 

“Are you that mad at me for bailing on you today?”

 

“No, it’s not that,” Kaneki sighed. “I’m just tired.”

 

“Your paper again?”

 

He nodded again, listless. A tiny part of him felt bad about lying to Hide and keeping secrets from him, but most of him felt justified in doing it. He had figured out by now that the bleached blond was hiding secrets of his own.

 

That thought made him shiver. It made him think about how Hide had been smiling as he called Nishiki out on what he’d done last night. It wasn’t even that Hide _knew_ about what had happened that bothered him (the blond hadn’t even tried to ask about Kaneki’s face or neck). What bothered him more was whether or not Hide was hiding something beneath his smile even now. He looked up but the blond was already listening intently to what the professor was talking about. There was no smile on that face, only a concentrated little frown.

 

Kaneki’s gaze dropped to his notebook and he began to wonder if Hide had ever done that to him before—that being, pasting a smile on his face as his mind thought other things. The mere suggestion of it made him so miserable that his nose ached, warning of tears to come. He swallowed hard. No. Hide was his best friend. He trusted Hide. He _had_ to trust Hide.

 

Because if he couldn’t trust Hide, he had no one else left but himself.

 

* * *

 

 

Later that week, at the café named Anteiku, Kaneki found himself hesitating. What if Touka kicked him out the moment he stepped inside? What if the old man wasn’t even there? What if he was _wrong_?

 

He tried to find comfort in that if there was anything he knew for sure, it was that Anteiku was something special to him. Even if the dreams hadn’t outwardly shown that to him in any way, it was one of those overarching themes of the story that you gathered after you stepped back a little to view the bigger picture.

 

This was the place where it had all began, with Hide seeing Rize for the first time. It was where Touka worked and where Kaneki knew his most recent dreams had taken place. He took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

 

Touka was taking a couple’s order near the far end of the café. Another woman stood behind the counter and smiled at him. “Welcome, sir,” she said. “Table for how many?”

 

“U-Uhm,” he stuttered. “Actually… I want to talk to someone.”

 

The woman raised a puzzled eyebrow. “Staff?”

 

“I—I think so,” he said, nerves bouncing off the walls of his stomach. “He’s, um, an old man. In his seventies, I think…?”

 

“Oh, you must mean the manager,” the woman—her nametag read “Kaya”—said, nodding. “He’s in the back, but I can call him if you’d like. What’s your name?”

 

“Ken,” he said. “Ken Kaneki.”

 

“Well, then, Kaneki-san,” Kaya said smilingly, “if you’d wait for a moment, I’ll go ask him if he can spare you a few minutes.”

 

“Um, thank you very much!” Kaneki said, bowing his head gratefully. Kaya turned and disappeared into a door that led deeper into the building. Feeling a little awkward staying on his feet, he sat down on one of the stools by the counter. A stool similar, he noted, to the one in his dream. Yet another thing that confirmed Anteiku’s importance. He’d been sitting there for about three minutes before Touka materialized next to him.

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing here?” she hissed. “Do you want your other cheek to match?”

 

He gulped, but some other part of him felt calmer than he should be. “To—Kirishima-san,” he said slowly, barely keeping his voice from shaking, “I’m here to talk to the manager of Anteiku.”

 

“Why do you want to do that?” she asked sharply.

 

At a loss for words, Kaneki shrugged weakly. “I don’t know,” he said truthfully. “But I’m hoping he can give me some answers.”

 

“You don’t need answers,” she said, grabbing him by the elbow and hauling him to the door, exactly as he had feared she would. “You just go home and play nice. Stay inside at night and kiss your blondie boyfriend.”

 

Kaneki had been struggling to get out of her vice-like grip but at that, he stiffened and felt his entire face flush with heat. “I—Hide’s not my—!”

 

Touka already had him halfway out the door when the manager put a wizened hand on her shoulder, making her stop.

 

“Touka-chan, if you would,” the aged man said sternly but not unkindly, “the young man did say he wanted some answers. I believe he’s entitled to some. Join us with some coffee after you’ve given Kaya the orders you’ve taken.”

 

Muttering insults to Kaneki under her breath, Touka released him and he stumbled back into the café. The old manager put a steadying hand on his back and, to his surprise, led him not to the stool by the counter, but through the door that Kaya had gone into earlier. Touka stayed behind, glaring at him as he went. They entered the door, passed a kitchen where someone—a man with a stocky build—was working on a few sandwiches, and the staff locker room, then climbed up a flight of stairs. They entered what looked like a large living room with two sofas and a coffee table between them.

 

“Make yourself comfortable,” the manager told him and he obliged, sitting on one of the sofas. “Touka-chan will be here shortly with some coffee. In the meantime, I can try to appease your curiosity.”

 

“Um…” Kaneki had had a whole truckload of questions in his mind before he’d walked into Anteiku and he’d known the ones he wanted to ask the most. But then all of a sudden, they were impossible to sift through and he couldn’t pick the one that felt right. His throat constricted and it was like Nishiki was strangling him all over again. “Are you…” he said in a tiny, almost inaudible voice. “Are you a Ghoul?”

 

When the old man raised his eyebrows, Kaneki wanted to kick himself. Of all the questions he had, why _that_ one? Even if the man _was_ a Ghoul, there was no way he would simply up and tell Kaneki that—

 

“Yes, I am,” the manager said as calmly as if he were stating the weather was good today, before taking a seat across from Kaneki. “I won’t eat you, if that’s what you’re wondering as well. We of Anteiku refrain from attacking humans, especially innocent ones such as yourself.”

 

Kaneki gaped at him, jaw dropping. Then, getting jarred back into himself, he breathed in deep and decided to go right into the thick of things. “Do you know my friend, Hide?” he asked carefully.

 

“Yes. A very loyal, selfless, though rather headstrong young man, if I might add.”

 

Another breath. _Stay calm, Kaneki. Stay calm._ “Is he a G… Ghoul?”

 

The manager rubbed his chin, frowning. “A difficult question to answer,” he said. “What do _you_ think he is?”

 

“I don’t know _what_ to think!” Kaneki couldn’t bite back the desperation and frustration he felt. “I do know Rize Kamishiro was a Ghoul. Or… at least I _think_ I know she was…” He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not sure… There are so many things I don’t know, so many things I think I know, and even _those_ I’m not sure about…”

 

“It’s alright not to know some things, Kaneki.” The manager cast him a sympathetic look. “But I can assure you that Rize Kamishiro was indeed a Ghoul. A very dangerous one. Your friend was extremely lucky to have survived the way he did.”

 

“Her organs were put into him,” Kaneki said. “What does putting a Ghoul’s organs into a human’s do?”

 

“He is a special case, one I’ve never seen or heard of before, and so I’m afraid I can’t give you an answer that would generalize what has happened within him.”

 

“But he’s a Ghoul now? Or maybe part-Ghoul? Half?”

 

“That is the closest description to what he’s become.”

 

Kaneki dropped into the sofa, feeling like his lungs had shriveled up and all the air had been squeezed out of him. Every new breath was like inhaling some heavy, syrupy substance that dragged him down deeper and deeper into despair. It had only been a guess. A wild guess, based on dream after dream and the kind of thing that only happened in sci-fi books or movies. That was why hearing it so clearly affirmed by someone else was so… Well, it made him feel powerless. At least, if it were only Kaneki thinking it, he could still get away with saying that he was jumping to conclusions.

 

There was a brisk knock on the door before it opened, revealing Touka carrying a tray with two cups of coffee. She entered, passing the manager and Kaneki their respective cups, and sat down with a huff next to the old man, tray sitting on her lap.

 

“You’re wondering how we know your boyfriend?” she guessed bluntly.

 

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Kaneki replied tiredly. “But I would like to know that, yes.”

 

Touka glanced at the manager and he nodded. After looking quizzically at her boss, she turned back to Kaneki. “You know your not-boyfriend is a Ghoul, right?”

 

Barely suppressing a wince, Kaneki said, “Yes.”

 

“Well, see, he made a deal with us last Saturday night. Pretty simple stuff. In the end, he just wanted us to protect you.”

 

Kaneki balked. “ _Protect_ me?” And last Saturday… Wasn’t that the day he left the hospital and brought Kaneki back to his apartment? “How did he even _know_ about you guys back then?”

 

“How do _you_?” Touka shot back, but thankfully, she didn’t wait for him to answer. “Maybe he asked around. We’re the ones in charge of this ward’s Ghouls, anyway. All of them _should_ know.”

 

Imagining Hide walking around at night, tracking down Ghouls and grilling them for answers, was difficult to do, but not impossible. Kaneki swallowed his apprehension with a mouthful of steaming coffee. “But why did you agree? I’m a human. I don’t know much, but I’m guessing you don’t do this sort of thing normally.”

 

Touka remained silent on this and the manager took a sip from his cup. “At best, we stay out of humans’ lives,” the old man said. “But this situation is far more complex than it seems. None of us here can tell you that better than your friend can.”

 

“And if he won’t?”

 

“Then maybe it’s best if you don’t know, huh?” Touka said testily. “Isn’t it enough for you to know he’s a Ghoul, won’t eat you, and actually wants to protect you? You were right on the money when you said that we don’t do this kind of thing normally. If we’d gone about this _normally_ , Nishiki would’ve shat you out days ago. Personally, I think you should just keep your head down and let everyone else do their job.”

 

“What Touka-chan means to say,” the manager said, placing a hand on Touka’s shoulder, “is that there might be more than meets the eye. All people have reasons for doing what they do, Ghoul or human, half-Ghoul or not, and perhaps you should give your friend the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps there is a reason why he is keeping you from knowing the whole story.”

 

“But I don’t understand,” Kaneki said, feeling helpless beyond words. “What would he be protecting me _from_?” This time, neither the manager nor Touka gave him an answer. He felt something like ice run down his spine. Even drinking something hot wasn’t able to make the feeling go away. He stared down at the dregs of his coffee and, out of nowhere, a thought occurred to him.

 

“Why are you telling me this? You could’ve turned me away, told me nothing.”

 

“Which I _was_ about to do,” Touka pointed out, scowling.

 

“Exactly, so why still tell me? Isn’t it risky to trust a human who could tell everyone about you?” Kaneki asked.

 

The manager eyed him thoughtfully. “Would you tell everyone about us, Kaneki?”

 

“No, but…”

 

“And why wouldn’t you? What’s stopping you from telling the world about Anteiku?”

 

That made him pause, but the answer was already on his tongue, ready to go. “I feel like I can trust you,” he said, surprised by how much he meant it. His words were backed up by something. The dreams? Or were they memories? Who could say? “Something… A gut feeling, I guess… It tells me you’re good people. Ghouls, I mean.”

 

The old man smiled. “And I would say the same for you.”

 

* * *

 

 

As Ken Kaneki disappeared around a corner down the street, Touka turned to Yoshimura, who was still watching a vague point in the distance.

 

“Why _did_ we tell him, manager?” she asked. “I mean, I know Blondie didn’t tell us to keep quiet about it, but…” She looked back out at the corner Kaneki had turned. “Do you feel sorry for them?”

 

Yoshimura kept his eyes fixed on that point. “Humans and Ghouls have always co-existed,” he said. “Yet neither group understands what ‘co-existence’ means.” When Touka said nothing, he went on. “If all the men in the world can put all their effort into violence and murder, then that same effort would produce so much more were it turned the other way. I believe as much, because I have been one of those men and I have also been one that tried to redirect my efforts.”

 

Touka thought about Yoriko. She thought about what Yoshimura said about co-existing without violence but with effort steered into the right direction. But then she thought about her parents, their ruthless murder. She thought about Ayato and the hope that had gone up in flames.

 

“But people are selfish,” she bit out, turning her back on the street and going back to man the counter while Kaya served an old Ghoul couple. “They only think about keeping themselves alive.”

 

“No words truer said,” Yoshimura agreed, joining her at the counter. He picked up a used cup and started washing it at the sink. “We’ve both come close to an answer,” he said. “You and I.” He turned off the faucet and gazed at the cup in silence. Touka could tell that he was remembering some painful memories, despite the kind smile on his face. “But something has always held us back. The very same wall that cuts us off from them lies within us as well. I suppose it could be selfishness and egotism or simply instinct and fear. Perhaps all of them combined.”

 

Touka had a feeling she knew what he was building up to. She thought back to that night when Blondie—Hide—had knocked on their back door covered in blood that was both his and not his. Remembered the fear mixing with resolve in his eyes. Remembered how he had begged on his knees, head bowed, for them to help him protect his human friend. Even then, she’d understood what he’d meant. That protection wasn’t limited. It was _universal_. She hadn’t known then, why Yoshimura had agreed so readily, but now she did—though it didn’t necessarily mean that she thought the same way.

 

“You think they’re the answer,” she said softly just as a man entered the café and went straight to her to buy a couple bags of coffee grounds.

 

Yoshimura said nothing until the man had claimed his grounds and gone. He put down the cup he had wiped dry with a towel and picked up another one.

 

“I don’t think, Touka-chan,” he said, smiling a smile that looked equal parts hopeful and sad. “I _know_ they are the answer we’ve been waiting for.”

 

* * *

  

Eto leaned back against the chair, setting down the week-old newspaper on the table, turned to the page with the article on the construction site accident and the transplant that had taken place without the patient’s family’s permission. The surgeon in charge hadn’t been fired from the hospital immediately, but eventually, the administration had gotten around to it, not wanting to let the public eye rest on them any longer, and the man had been sacked.

 

She leaned forward, resting an elbow against the table and cradling her chin in her hand. People passed by the window, without so much as glancing at her. Some Ghouls she recognized by the way their eyes moved—that subtle but telltale way they seemed to scan the people all around them, sizing them up, trying to see who was going to be worth a night of risks until next month, when they got too hungry to hide it again.

 

“Is this your plan?” she murmured to no one in particular. “Not very good. Not so far.”

 

 _Although_ , she thought, eyeing the article again, _not_ all _the pieces_ _have started moving yet._ She stood up and drained her coffee cup in one go. She left the newspaper there on the table and paid for her drink. She left the café and stretched outside, basking in the sunshine.

 

“Please let this be interesting, okay?” she chirped to the sky, not caring who might look at her strangely.

 

She spun on her heel and went on her way. As she did so, a man clad in a crisp orange suit passed her by, humming what sounded like Ponchielli’s _La Gioconda_.

 

Oh. She’d spoken too soon.

 

She felt a smile pulling at her lips. Things were about to get _very_ interesting.

 

* * *

 

 

 _The boy was back again, staring at the words hanging in the air. No, not words but_ fragments _of them._

_I…w……… en…y……p…… y………fer…… If…I…………ong…………m…e……_

_Was it his imagination, or had the fragments increased? It didn’t matter though, because in the end, he still couldn’t make heads or tails of them. He knew staring wasn’t going to give him the answers he wanted, but it was all he could do, really. It’s not like the fragments were things he could fish out from somewhere or attract to himself with a bit of bait. All he could do was sit and wait. And wait. And wait._

_But then nothing came and he knew he was running out of time. He stood up and left, the world around him winking out of existence. Or maybe that was just him._


	4. I Wouldn't Do This Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter because college starts next week and I have no idea when I can next update *cries* I don’t wanna go…

_Frm: Hide  
Re: SORRY!!!_

_Kaneki, something came up with some of the guys in the Science department so you can go ahead without me. Im so sorry i promise ill make up for it next time! See u tom! ( >3<)/_

 

Kaneki let out a sigh and pocketed his phone after replying to Hide’s message with an “it’s-okay-I-understand” kind of theme. In reality, he didn’t want to understand. Hide was already swamped with committee work as it was but sometimes Kaneki would get twinges of jealousy when the blond was summoned by one of the Kamii upperclassmen. He never told Hide he felt this way because he didn’t want to be too overbearing. Hide had enough on his mind. He didn’t need Kaneki butting in and adding more to his problems.

 

_Or maybe I’m just too scared of what he would say if I complained about it_ , Kaneki thought as, out of nowhere, a miserable loneliness engulfed him. It was familiar enough for him to keep his knees from buckling beneath the weight. He found it increasingly stupid that he still wasn’t strong enough to tell Hide outright how much he needed him. At the same time, he couldn’t help keeping Hide at a distance from his heart because he still feared what would happen if the blond just up and left—which was totally unfair, considering that he’d never given Kaneki any reason to believe he would ever do such a thing.

 

Now here Kaneki was, at a random café trying to figure out a way to understand Hide’s situation, wanting to close the gap between one species and another. _But he’s still part-human_ , he scolded himself. _He’s not a totally different species._

 

Realizing that he wasn’t going to get anywhere like this, he reminded himself to focus on the task at hand. He looked back down at the thin notebook he had on the table that he’d bought earlier that morning at the campus bookstore. It was on its back, open on a couple of semi-filled pages where Kaneki had tried to write down everything from what he’d found out to what he thought he could do to help Hide. Writing it all down before his mind got overcrowded with details was good. He didn’t want to risk forgetting a single thing. Looking over his notes, he felt oddly proud of himself.

 

_But now what? I’ve written all this down and yet I still don’t know where to start._

 

Before he could answer his own question, the door to the tiny café opened with a loud tinkle of a bell, louder than that of Anteiku. No surprise, given how small the place was. There was no one else here besides Kaneki and the man behind the cash register, no one else to react to the man who stepped inside in a garishly colored—though well-tailored—suit. Kaneki couldn’t help but stare.

 

“ _Buongiorno,_ my good man,” the gaudily dressed man greeted the single member of the café staff, who looked impressively unruffled by his entrance.

 

“Good morning, Mr Tsukiyama,” the staff member said. “The usual?”

 

The man named Tsukiyama began to nod his head before abruptly turning to Kaneki, as if sensing his presence. A smile graced his lips and he motioned to the empty seat across from Kaneki. “May I?” he asked.

 

Taken aback beyond words, Kaneki instinctively nodded and as Tsukiyama sat down, he remembered that he’d left the notebook open on some very incriminating information. He reached forward and swiftly closed it. If Tsukiyama noticed this, he didn’t let on.

 

“My name is Shuu Tsukiyama,” he said, still smiling. “Your name?”

 

“Um, Ken Kaneki.”

 

Tsukiyama hummed, looking thoughtful. “You don’t usually drop by here, do you?”

 

“No, not really…” Kaneki was confused. Why was this man talking to him? Was it because there was no one else in the café? _Shuu Tsukiyama…_ Kaneki felt a tingling sensation in the back of his mind, like the tail end of a thought scratching at his brain. How strange.

 

“I expected as much,” Tsukiyama said. “I come here often enough to know this shop’s usual patrons. It’s not terribly popular and so I always make sure to show my appreciation to every new visitor.” He smiled wider and rested his elbows against the table, lacing his fingers together. “Tell me, Kaneki-kun, what made you come in here?”

 

Kaneki struggled for an answer. He hadn’t entered the store for any particularly eloquent reason. He’d actually been consumed by thoughts of Hide, walking into the place at random. It could’ve been any other store. Saying that aloud, though, felt way too rude. At the very least though, something about Tsukiyama’s overtly interested expression kept him from saying a complete lie.

 

“It seemed like a good place to think,” he said, taking a sip from the cup of latte he’d ordered earlier. It was cold now.

 

“A good place to think,” Tsukiyama repeated with a good-natured look. “It seems you have a lot on your mind.”

 

“You could say that,” Kaneki laughed nervously. He _really_ wasn’t good with strangers. Especially oddly clothed ones.

 

The older man lowered his hands to the table. “Struggling is what it means to be human,” he said musingly. “So if you’re having difficulty with something, I don’t think you should take it to heart. All other humans are going through the same thing. Perhaps you ought to look up at the sky instead of the ground some more. Yours is the sort of face that shouldn’t be hidden.” He paused, smiling. “Personally, I must say that I prefer your laughing expression to your troubled one.”

 

That made Kaneki blush. He laughed again, flattered but undeniably flustered. “Th-Thank you,” he stammered. “No one’s ever said that kind of thing to me before.”

 

Tsukiyama laughed, too. “Well, they should!”

 

Kaneki bit his lip and, not knowing what to say after botching up another thank you, put the rim of the cup back to his lips to feign taking another sip of his latte. There was none left, but he really didn’t want to look any more awkward than he felt. The lone café staff member chose this timely moment to come in and pass Tsukiyama a small paper bag and a tiny cup filled with a shot of espresso. The paper bag was met with raised eyebrows, but the staff member had already moved back to his original station by the cash register.

 

“Did he give you something you didn’t order?” Kaneki asked. Then he realized what he’d said, and added hastily, “Oh, I’m sorry if I sound like I’m prying into your business or something like that. I was just curious.”

 

“ _Non_ , _non_!” Tsukiyama said, waving a hand. “Don’t apologize. I think this is a gift from one of this café’s usual visitors. I’ve made a lot of acquaintances in my years coming by here and though things like these don’t happen usually, they’re nothing out of the ordinary.” He picked up his cup of espresso and took a small sip. “That’s not to say I expect gifts from everyone I meet, of course—I wouldn’t dream of asking something like that of you, Kaneki-kun.”

 

“You’re very nice, though,” Kaneki said truthfully. “To be honest, I wouldn’t mind giving you a gift myself.”

 

“You flatter me, Kaneki-kun,” Tsukiyama said, shaking his head and looking embarrassed. “I’m certainly not as nice as you think I am.”

 

“But you _do_ seem like a nice person, Tsukiyama-san.”

 

“ _Merci._ ” Tsukiyama pushed back the cuff of his right sleeve to glance at his watch. Noting the time, he finished his espresso in one gulp and stood up. “I’m terribly sorry to leave you so suddenly, but I have an appointment in town.”

 

“Oh, it’s fine,” Kaneki told him with a smile.

 

As if just realizing something, Tsukiyama raised a finger. “I hope you don’t think it rude of me, but might I take up that offer of yours? To give me a gift?”

 

“It’s not rude of you at all. I don’t mind.” _I just hope it isn’t too expensive…_

 

“It won’t cost you a single cent. All I want, Kaneki-kun, is to see you again.”

 

“To see me again?”

 

“Yes. Another time and another place. I’d like to get to know you more. Would you grant me this one selfish request?”

 

Well, Tsukiyama didn’t look like a man with ulterior motives. Granted, he dressed pretty weirdly, but Kaneki felt that all his words had been sincere. Besides, even if he _did_ have shady intentions, Kaneki wasn’t going to go about this haphazardly. He’d set up a meeting time and place with a lot of witnesses. That way, nothing could possibly happen.

 

“Um, do you know Anteiku? It’s a café a few streets down from here. Maybe we could have coffee again sometime.”

 

Tsukiyama smiled.

 

* * *

  

Not having anything to do in the early afternoon, he decided to go over to Anteiku to see if there was anything else he could find out about Hide. Upon entering, he saw Touka at talking to a little girl across the counter. At the sound of the bell, Touka looked up with a hospitable smile.

 

“Welco—oh, it’s just you,” Touka said flatly, her warm smile fading within seconds of spotting Kaneki’s face.

 

“Hi, To—Kirishima-san,” he said, by now resigning himself to her brutal treatment. He took a seat beside the little girl. She eyed him curiously but with a wariness that Kaneki pegged as typical of a child faced with a stranger. He didn’t want to give her a hard time of it, so he smiled. “Hello there,” he said. “My name is Ken Kaneki. What’s yours?”

 

The girl shrunk away from him and slid off the chair she’d been sitting on. She hurried to Touka’s side and remained there, glancing fearfully at Kaneki every so often. Touka patted the girl on the head, looking far more accommodating than he’d ever seen her.

 

“Her name is Hinami Fueguchi,” Touka informed him. “Her mother is upstairs, talking to the manager.” She shot Kaneki a look that he somehow understood, though it was difficult to imagine. Hinami and her mother were Ghouls. Kaneki’s gaze rested on Hinami, who was tugging on Touka’s uniform. As Touka leaned down to let the girl whisper in her ear, Kaneki found himself marveling at the fact that such a young girl could be a Ghoul.

 

Touka, he understood. Yoshimura, he could vaguely see. Nishiki was terrifying and perfectly capable of cutting Kaneki in half if he so wanted, so him being a Ghoul was a given. But Hinami? It wasn’t easy to think of her as a man-eating creature. He just couldn’t picture it.

 

Just like how he couldn’t picture Hide being a Ghoul.

 

It was something of a revelation, knowing in a sense that Ghouls came in different shapes and sizes. It troubled Kaneki a little, despite fascinating him. It almost felt like he was beginning to _humanize_ them.

 

“He’s nothing to worry about,” Touka told Hinami loudly, though she was looking pointedly at Kaneki. “He’s just a weakling and a bookworm.”

 

“Touka-chan…” he sighed.

 

“What did I tell you about calling me that?”

 

“Kirishima-san,” he amended.

 

Touka huffed, unimpressed. Hinami whispered something else in her ear and she nodded. The little girl smiled and scampered off into the back of the store. Straightening, Touka eyed Kaneki. “Aren’t you going to order something?”

 

He started. “R-Right,” he said. “A cappuccino, maybe?”

 

“Don’t be indecisive,” she told him sharply. “It annoys me.”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, feeling a bit miserable. “I’d like a cappuccino.”

 

“Good.”

 

As Touka prepared his order, he pulled out his notebook of information and ideas, poring over its contents with a concentration so intense, he didn’t realize Touka was serving him until she jabbed him in the shoulder. He jumped, crying out in pain.

 

“That’s what you get for being inattentive.” She looked over at his notebook and frowned when she realized what it held. “You _do_ know that your friend is working for us now, right?”

 

Rubbing his shoulder gingerly, Kaneki cast her a puzzled look. “No, I didn’t,” he said. “Was it part of the deal you were talking about before?”

 

“It was.”

 

“What does he do, though? He’s almost constantly busy with committee things. I don’t think he’d have the time to work a part-time job.”

 

Touka pursed her lips. “His shift starts after closing time,” she said. “He restocks food supplies. Sometimes he takes inventory. Depends on what the manager thinks he should be doing.”

 

“When does his shift end?”

 

She shrugged. “It ends when it ends. There isn’t a particular set time for him to go home. As long as he finishes what he’s supposed to do, we let him off.”

 

Kaneki wrapped his fingers around the warm cup of coffee she’d given him. “Is he okay? With… with being…?”

 

The question was met with a bit of weighty silence. “I don’t know,” Touka said finally. “He’s always making jokes and poking fun at it, so I thought…” She shook her head. “There are moments, rare ones, when I see this look in his eyes that’s just… It’s hard to explain. You should know this. You’ve been friends since you were, what, five?”

 

“Seven,” Kaneki told her, smiling sadly. “I wish I could say that I do know. Hide’s always been so open with me. Or so I thought. I’m starting to think he’s been hiding his true self from me this whole time.” The words were painful—so painful—to say or to even acknowledge. They cut him and wounded him more deeply than most anything he’d ever known. “This whole thing has made me think twice about the smile he shows me every day. Not that I doubt him or anything like that. I just… I just think he’s been hurting more than he lets me think he is.”

 

The weighty silence from earlier returned at full force and the two of them look down sullenly, thinking of the blond boy whose smile was beginning to look more and more like a mask he had to wear.

 

“Do you want to see what he does?”

 

Kaneki looked up at Touka, perplexed by her question. “You mean watching him restock or take inventory?”

 

She fixed him with a glare. “You should know by now that not everything in _our_ world should be taken at face value.”

 

He realized it as she said it, easily recognizing “our” as a collective noun that excluded him. Instead of making him feel left out, it filled him with a determination that felt alien in his system.

 

“Well?” she prompted him. “Do you want to know or not?”

 

“I do,” he said.

 

“Even if it means stepping into our world? Even if it means you could die, knowing more than you already do?”

 

“I want to know, Kirishima-san. More than anything, I just want to help him and, if possible, protect him.”

 

She stared at him until her lips spread into a smile. “You two idiots in love are going to get us all killed someday.” When Kaneki flushed beet red and protested for all he was worth, she only threw her head back and laughed.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m going to have you put this on later,” she said, handing him a mask that looked like a cartoon frog’s face. He accepted it with a bemused frown. “It won’t make much of a difference if they smell us, though, but from afar at least, it’ll confuse them.”

 

“‘Them’? Hide isn’t alone?”

 

“Of course not. As if we’d let a new recruit restock on his own.”

 

He knit his eyebrows together but didn’t ask further. He looked down at the mask in his hands and then around at the small room that was Touka’s. After telling Touka that he wanted to know what Hide was doing, she’d instructed him to go home and come back just before closing time with the darkest clothes he could scrounge up from his closet. He’d returned carrying a backpack with a dark blue jacket, an old, ratty black shirt he’d discovered at the very back of his closet, and black jeans. He’d put on his only pair of trainers, acting on the gut feeling that they were going to be more useful than his usual shoes.

 

“He’ll be coming in any minute now,” Touka went on, pulling on a black jacket of her own and grabbing a rabbit-shaped mask. “You just follow my lead and keep your trap shut. Got it?”

 

He nodded, suddenly nervous. Touka seemed to be pulling all the stops to keep them from being detected. It made him wonder just what Hide was doing…

 

Touka opened the door to her room and glanced around. She turned back to him. “I don’t smell the manager or anyone else nearby,” she said quietly. “Doesn’t hurt to be careful, though.”

 

He sidled up to her. “I think it’s amazing how you can _smell_ other people,” he whispered. “How does that feel like?”

 

“Feels like I don’t want a nosy human asking about it,” she hissed. “Come on, let’s go.”

 

Kaneki sighed and followed her out of her room and down the hallway. They slunk through the empty halls and down the stairs into the kitchen. It was dark and difficult to maneuver quietly in. Touka was fast and skillful, leaving Kaneki behind as he picked his way through and around table corners and pan handles sticking out in the darkness.

 

She waited for him at a door at the very end of the kitchen. Even through the dark, he could sense her disapproving scowl. She pressed an ear against the door and when Kaneki opened his mouth to whisper _What’s going on?_ , she raised a hand to silence him. He clamped his mouth shut and listened in vain for what she could hear beyond the closed door. Words from _Ghouls: All You Need To Know_ echoed in his mind.

 

_… superior physical strength… overall step up in terms of the six senses…_

 

It made him feel a little bad about himself. As a Ghoul, Touka had an infinite amount of weapons in her arsenal without actually even _having_ weapons. As a human who barely did anything but eat, read, and sleep, what did he have to offer? He wondered if any amount of training would make much of a difference.

 

Touka gestured for him to step back as she cracked the door open and slid out. Her hand reappeared and motioned for him to follow. Once both of them were outside, Touka turned to Kaneki and put a finger to her lips. Kaneki somehow managed not to say, _I get it already!_ It was starting to annoy him how Touka didn’t think he could understand the gravity of the situa—

 

In an instant, she had had him scooped up in her arms. She staggered slightly and muttered, “Christ, you’re heavy. Run a little in the morning, would you?”

 

“Shut up,” he mumbled, blushing furiously and struggling to get out of her grip. It proved impossible. “Why are you even doing this if I’m so heavy?”

 

“Can _you_ run faster than a moving vehicle?”

 

“No, but—”

 

“Then do me a favor and shut up yourself. We’re going up.”

 

“ _Up_?”

 

She jumped high up from the ground and Kaneki bit down on his cheek to keep from screeching. Nimbly kicking off the walls of Anteiku and the next-door building, she quickly made her way up to the roofs. She landed hard, but only Kaneki seemed to feel the brunt of it. He slid from her arms and very nearly threw up his lunch on the roof. She nudged his shoulder with the tip of her shoe.

 

“Don’t waste time,” she said. “We have to keep moving. If you have problems with being a princess, you can stay on my back from now on.”

 

“Yes, please,” Kaneki gasped, pushing down the bile rising in his throat with sheer willpower.

 

“Mask,” she ordered, pulling out her own from inside her jacket.

 

After he’d put on his mask and mounted her back, Touka rushed forward, jumping from rooftop to rooftop with an agility that shocked Kaneki into awed silence. He looked down at the streets below, looking for the car they were following.

 

“White one up ahead,” Touka said, her voice muffled by her mask.

 

He nodded and immediately spotted the white van. His chest tightened. Hide was in there. Where was he going? What was on his mind? Was he hurting inside right now? Kaneki wanted to know. He wanted so desperately to know. He glanced at Touka, who kept her gaze on what was ahead of her. He looked back at the car.

 

He had realized while packing his clothes for today that he’d never have been able to do all of this alone. He’d never really been able to do things on his own and he’d already accepted that. But this was different. He was trying to reach out to someone who’d been helping him all this time. Without Touka or Yoshimura or Anteiku, he’d never have been capable of doing this.

 

Hide being a half-Ghoul put him in a world apart from Kaneki, and Kaneki hated that. He hated how just by _being_ something, Hide had become estranged from him. Forget fearing if the blond would leave him someday, he was already becoming more and more a part of a world that Kaneki couldn’t enter. From having so many other friends he could replace Kaneki with to drowning in committee work and running errands to _this_. Hide lived a life so different from Kaneki’s.

 

Maybe that was why Kaneki feared that he would leave so much. Maybe that was why he held even Hide at a distance from his heart. Maybe what he’d been afraid of wasn’t so much Hide leaving as it was himself _letting_ Hide leave.

 

_Not anymore_ , he thought with a fervent determination. _I won’t let him go that easily._

 

When the car began to divert from the main road, heading up into the mountains, Touka jumped down from the rooftops to the ground. Even then, she moved quickly—inhumanely quickly—along the road, keeping out of sight. As trees became more commonplace, she used them like she had the roofs, hopping from branch to branch so effortlessly, Kaneki was tempted to believe she’d done this all her life.

 

It was easy to keep the van in sight. Not many other cars were heading up this road at this time of night. At a turn, Kaneki saw a red car parked near the edge of a cliff lined with a low steel fence. He looked at Touka questioningly before remembering that he was wearing a mask and she wouldn’t see his face.

 

“Where are we going? Is it any further out?” he asked her.

 

“No,” she said. “We’re here. Look.”

 

The white van Hide was riding in slowed to a stop behind the red car. Likewise, Touka slowed to a stop amongst the trees on a cliff overlooking the road. She set Kaneki down on the thick branch beside her and she sat down. He followed suit.

 

“What no—” he began.

 

“Shh,” she said. “Watch.”

 

He followed her line of sight back to the van. A tall man stepped out of the driver’s side. Even from so far away, Kaneki could tell that he was more well-built than the average person. Another person dismounted the van.

 

_Hide_ , Kaneki mouthed quietly to himself. He felt Touka glance at him but he said nothing else.

 

The blond rushed over to the edge, leaning on the steel fencing.

 

“ _Wow, this is pretty high up,_ ” Touka said quietly. It took Kaneki a few moments to realize that she was talking for Hide.

 

“ _Don’t lean on that_ ,” she said for the tall man. “ _You’ll—_ ”

 

The fencing gave way and the blond toppled over the edge, disappearing from view.

 

“— _fall_.”

 

Kaneki jumped to his feet, panic and fear making his heart and body seize up. “ _Hi—_!” he began to scream his friend’s name, but Touka’s hand slid into his mask and forced his mouth shut.

 

The tall man stiffened and turned, making Kaneki’s blood run cold. He was unmistakably looking in their direction. Touka cursed under her breath, but the man didn’t come running toward them. Instead he looked back out over the edge where Hide had fallen. Then he strode to the back of the van, opening it up and pulling out a huge bag the size of a human body.

 

The thought of what the bag might be for made Kaneki wrench Touka’s hand away from his mouth. “Touka-chan,” he said, panic constricting his throat and making his voice shake. “We have to go down there. Hide might have—He might be—We have to do something!”

 

“He’ll be fine,” Touka said gruffly. “Watch.”

 

“We can’t just _watch_ ,” he said frantically, his voice climbing in pitch and volume. “My best friend just fell off a _cliff_! You can jump, right? You’re strong, right? You have to go down there. You _have_ to save him!”

 

Growling, Touka grabbed him, fisting his clothes. “Shut the hell up, human. Your friend is _fine_. His kagune will keep him alive. He isn’t weak like you.” She let go of him and he staggered back, nearly losing his balance.

 

“Kagune? What’s a kagune?” he demanded angrily.

 

Touka didn’t meet his gaze and kept quiet. It made him even angrier.

 

“Tou—Kirishima-san, _answer me_! What’s a kagune?”

 

She sighed noisily and turned toward him. Her stance had turned ominously threatening and Kaneki backed away despite himself. He caught the iron tang of blood in the air and something began to extend from Touka’s back.

 

“This,” she said, gesturing behind her, “is a kagune.”

 

They were like an angel’s wings. If an angel had featherless wings that looked like living blood, writhing and throbbing with energy. They cast a morbid red glow on the leaves and branches around them as Kaneki stood, transfixed by the sight that was terrifying yet somehow beautiful too.

 

“Only Ghouls have this,” Touka said, reaching up to take off her mask. The sight of her face made Kaneki’s stomach churn. Her hair concealed one eye, but the visible one gleamed in the dark. The whites of it had vanished, turned black as shadow. The iris had become bright red like a vein had popped inside and flooded it with blood. “Our eyes are called kakugan. They turn this way when we’re hungry or when we’re feeding or when we’re in battle or else anytime we want them to.”

 

Kaneki wanted to say something, but he couldn’t find the words. Touka didn’t seem to expect him to say anything.

 

“Do you see now, human?” she said quietly. “This is how different we are from you. This is how different your friend is from you. You can turn tail and run now. Run away, before he turns on you. Abandon him, before he hurts you both.”

 

He didn’t want to admit it, but he knew that she was right. He knew that Ghouls were different from humans, but being reminded so blatantly made all the determination he had mustered up until now seem flimsy. He’d seen so much in only the past month since the accident, but this— _this_ was…

 

It just wasn’t human. He realized it then and there that what he’d been doing all this time was humanizing what really wasn’t human. He’d thought that he’d kept himself from doing that, but seeing the stark difference, seeing those twisted, mysterious red wings on Touka’s back… Remembering his dream of Rize Kamishiro and _her_ kagune…

 

“It’s true,” he said shakily, “that Ghouls and humans are different.”

 

Touka’s mouth set into a grim line. “If you get it, then—”

 

“But even if they are,” he continued, “I promised myself that I wouldn’t let Hide go. It’s true that he’s different from me, being a half-Ghoul now and all, but what difference does it make? He’s always been different from me. He’s the friendly one, the helpful one, the one who’s always ready to smile. He’s the one who looks up and I’ve always been the one who looks down. I… I’ve always been different from Hide. And yet he’s always stood up for me, always been the one to voice my thoughts. And when I imagine what he’d have done if _I_ were the one who turned into a half-Ghoul…”

 

He paused, trembling, breath heaving in his chest. “Even though it must have been hard for him, he still thought about protecting me,” he said. “He went to you and asked you to protect me. Even though he _knows_ how different we’ve always been. That’s why I…” He swallowed hard. “That’s why I have to return the favor.”

 

The red light from Touka’s kagune had long ago dissipated, along with the kagune themselves. Her eye had turned back to its original self and for a long while, her expression was inscrutable.

 

“I can’t do it alone,” Kaneki said, pulling off his mask. “I can’t protect him by myself. Like you said, I’m just a stupid excuse for a human who can’t even protect himself. I’m begging you, please, _please_ help me.”

 

She took a step toward him. “I asked you this before, but are you prepared to die for your friend? Do you _really_ care about him that much? You’re a human. You’re breakable. Fragile. He’s a sick, twisted hybrid _thing_. But he’s strong. Stronger than you. It makes sense for him to risk his life for you, but not for you to do the same thing.”

 

Kaneki thought of the time Hide first met him and all the times thereafter that the blond had done everything in his power to keep Kaneki from sinking deep into the well of despair and loneliness in his heart. Without Hide, Kaneki knew he would have been reduced to, well, nothing.

 

“Hide is all I have left,” he told her. “If I die—and I don’t want to—then at least, I didn’t die with nothing.”

 

“So you’re doing it because you don’t want to be alone,” she sneered. “Pretty damn selfish of you, human.”

 

He smiled weakly. “Yeah, I know.”

 

Touka sighed again and punched him lightly in the shoulder. “Whatever,” she said. “You’ll need toughening up, but I don’t know if that’ll do much. Anyway, you won’t be dying on my watch. I hate your guts, but the deal’s a done deal.” She smiled—a sincere smile that caught Kaneki off guard. “You try not to run into any shit situation alone, alright, Kaneki?”

 

It was the first time she’d called him by his name. That told him this was most certainly the beginning of a good friendship. He grinned, overcome by relief. “Thank you, Touka-chan.”

 

She grimaced. “Do you _really_ have to call me that?”

 

“No, but I can’t imagine calling you anything else.”

 

“Ugh. Fine. Do whatever you want.” She stiffened abruptly and ducked to a squat, wearing her mask again. She pulled him down with her. “They’re coming back up.”

 

_Back up?_ Kaneki wore his mask and looked back at where he expected the tall man to be standing but there was nothing there except the two cars. The night was still and were it not for the racing of Kaneki’s heart, he might have thought nothing was out of the ordinary.

 

“There.”

 

The tall man appeared, jumping high up, clearing the cliff and landing easily next to the white van. He was carrying the large bag he’d brought out of the van earlier. Hide slid off the man’s back and the sight of him made Kaneki’s body go limp from relief.

 

“ _Uh, so Yomo-san, we’re going to bring the body back whole?_ ” Touka said for the blond.

 

“ _Would you have it drawn and quartered right here?_ ”

 

“ _Eurgh. No thank you. Whole is nice._ ”

 

Hide helped Yomo return the bag into the back of the van.

 

“ _Yomo-san_ ,” Hide said suddenly. “ _I have a really weird question for you. You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to._ ”

 

“ _What is it?_ ”

 

“ _Is there anything you think is worth dying for? This guy here…_ ” The blond gestured to the bag in the van. “ _He jumped off this cliff thinking that escape was something worth death. I’ve been working toward one goal all this time, and I guess I never really gave death much thought. It’s… It just looks so_ final _. I guess I don’t really want to say that I’m scared to die for something, but that’s what it’s starting to look like._ ”

 

Yomo seemed to give this some thought before he answered. “ _Right now, I don’t have something_ concrete _that I think is worth risking my life for_ ,” he said. “ _I’m not the best person to ask, but in reality, Hide, anyone can say that they think something is worth that much. It all comes down to when you’re actually facing the end, when you_ know _you’re about to die. What you do then is all that matters. Whatever you think now, it might change when you look death in the eye. For all we know, this man might have changed his mind at the last minute. Or maybe he didn’t. You just don’t know until it’s time_.”

 

Kaneki couldn’t see it very clearly, but he thought he saw Hide nod. Yomo closed the back of the van and the two of them climbed into the front. The van’s engine roared to life. It backed up a bit and returned to the road, driving back to the 20th ward.

 

* * *

  

_The boy saw it. For just a split second, he saw the words again, in crisp clarity. When he saw them, he thought he would die. His heart froze a whole minute before it started up again, but by then, the words had returned to being just fragments._

_It was enough though. He’d seen them. He’d remembered. Remembering, however, didn’t make the pain any less real. Remembering wouldn’t bring anyone back. Memories were only memories._

_They didn’t hold any power over death._


End file.
